August 30, 2002
- Seattle: 44%
- New York City: 24%
- Texas Gravel Pit: 12%
- New Jersey: 9%
- Witness Relocation: 7%
- Dublin, Georgia: 3%
I'm not sure what players I'll get to see (they don't announce the schedule until that day), but I'm hoping that whatever matches I check out will be better than this travesty. I don't have a lot of experience with tennis stats, but I'm guessing that 40 unforced errors in a two-set match (an average of over two-and-a-half a game) ain't what you're looking for out of Kournikova. I just hope that this doesn't affect her endorsement deals.
Plus, the Mariners have looked like crap lately.
Anyway, if anybody bought any tickets to the NYF that they can't use, please give me a heads-up since there's a good chance I'll want them. Or maybe you could just take me with you; I'm nice, and I sometimes say amusing things (but only after the show), and I've been known to pick up a beer tab.
August 28, 2002
Brookins Turned in Playbook, Misread Message.After spending Tuesday trying to get ahold of the incommunicado Brookins, on Wednesday Packers coach Mike Sherman was apparently unsure if he wanted Brookins to bother to make the drive back to Green Bay. Not exactly the story you want to tell your friends back home when they asked what happened to that promising NFL career.
A communication mixup put Packers halfback Jason Brookins' brief Green Bay career on hold. On Tuesday, the day NFL teams had to trim their rosters to 65 players, Brookins was asked for his playbook by a Packers official. He thought the request meant that he was being released. What he didn't know was that it was for some late additions to his playbook prior to Friday's game against the Titans. By then, it was too late. Brookins had already gotten in his car, turned off his cell phone and headed to his offseason home in Missouri.
August 27, 2002
Now, what makes the ATP site especially browseworthy is its listing of the prize money won by each player in every tour appearance. You may know that the U.S. Open winner will cash in for a cool $900K, but I bet you didn't know that Chang picked up only $7200 for that Calabasas win (by contrast, every player in the Open will take home at least $11,000).
I'm used to only hearing about the big paydays, so it's fascinating for me to check out the record of some low-level grinder: $1460 here, a couple of not-worth-the-trip $520 checks, a big $9700 score. It's a good look at how the other half lives.
August 26, 2002
August 25, 2002
- Seattle: 44%
- New York City: 24%
- Texas Gravel Pit: 12%
- New Jersey: 9%
- Witness Relocation: 7%
- Dublin, Georgia: 3%
There have certainly been better relievers in baseball, but almost nobody can boast a more unique set of accomplishments.
- Wilhelm didn't make his debut until he was 28, but would pitch until he was nearly 49, appearing in 1,070 games, a record that stood for almost 30 years.
- That 1952 rookie year was perhaps his best. He appeared in a record 71 games for the pennant-contending Giants, won 15 and saved 11, led the league in ERA, and finished fourth in MVP voting. Famously, he hit a home run in his first at-bat, the only homer of his career. (There are reports that he hit the only triple of his career in his second at-bat, but this may be apocryphal.)
- Wilhelm didn't start a game until 1958, and only started 52 in his career. In one of those 1958 starts, however, he no-hit the Yankees in a nationally televised game.
- The following year, Wilhelm started 27 games, winning 15 with a 2.19 ERA. He became the first pitcher to win ERA titles in both leagues. Despite his success, he would start only 15 more games in his career.
- Though he never led the league, he retired with a record 227 saves (Wilhelm is now no longer in the top 20).
The answer, my friends, is The Knitting Factory in Lower Manhattan, home of last night's unbelievably good Jason Loewenstein show. I went into the show cold, not really knowing anything other than that he was/is (see, I don't even know that) in Sebadoh, a band whose CD's I listened to once or twice a few years back. I went with my friend Little C-Za, a rabid fan who had been having a rough day involving low water pressure and a hastily rented Wet-Vac.
Anyway, it was one of the best damn shows I've ever seen. There were only three people in the band, but it sound like fifty, a symphony blasting out a pure sonic wall of rock. Many beers were downed, several devil finger-signs were spotted, and a cabride up to Penn Station was spent in breathless wonder (other than the few moments when our driver slammed on his brakes to avoid a carful of dipshits who had to park RIGHT THERE!).
The Jakerock site lists the tour dates (Jeez, they're in Pittsburgh tonight, a long freaking ways-away, that's gotta be worth something), and if he's playing near you and you don't go see them then you're not my friend.
August 24, 2002
I had plenty more rationalizations, or at least I did until reading Peter Dizikes's Slate article "Ashe Heap: The Dump That's Hosting the U.S. Open," which was so helpful as to use our freaking seats to demonstrate how much Arthur Ashe Stadium blows.
While the best tennis venues provide a sense of intimacy, Ashe's double-decker stack of luxury boxes, located immediately above the courtside seats, pushes everyone else higher, making fans in the upper deck feel as if they're watching tennis through the wrong end of a telescope.Thanks a lot...DICK!
Just how bad is it? Fans in the depressingly designated Row Z at the very top of Ashe, peering at a court a fraction of the size of a baseball diamond, sit 120 feet in the air, higher even than their counterparts at neighboring Shea Stadium.
That's why I'm bringing in the professionals, since I obviously don't have the cognitive capacity to do so. NJGuido.com is a remarkable site devoted to the sheer joy of summertime down the Jersey Shore. The hottest clubs, music, ladies — they're all there and all good. NJGuido's philosophy is "There are no excuses. Party like a rockstar," and it's a philosophy they live to the absolute fullest.
Living is being an anxious lion with a heart that is filled with strength not from rest or from perfection but from the feeling of being alive and the thought of getting older, knowing that one day it will not be able to rule the jungle and catch its prey any longer. Everyday you wake up to life but are you living? Go out and prey on the feeling of being young, knowing that this is your time to truly live. Have a lion heart and live. Don't miss a weekend, there are no excuses.Most religions have started with less-elegant and convincing credos than this.
Anyway, before you vote again, please read NJ Anthem, which sums up the sheer glorious wonder of the Garden State in the summer. God bless us, every one.
August 22, 2002
In other Donk news, we're slowly and surely coming up on our 50,000th visitor, and that lucky gal or guy is gonna get them a prize that makes all my other prizes look like bags of flaming dogcrap left on your doorstep. Keep your eyes peeled.
August 21, 2002
''I don't get it,'' he begins in typical [Mike] Piazza fashion, a tone that suggests that what he really doesn't get is how other people don't see things his way. ''It's just amazing to me that people think we're striking just to make more money. I appreciate the money and the lifestyle, but it's not the reason why I play. If you take everything away from me I would be able to put a roof over my head and food on my table. I'd do something. I wouldn't sit around and moan about guys who are making money.''Memo to the soon-to-be-striking players (and owners, for that matter): if you're looking to win over our hearts and minds, be sure to keep in mind that we're the frigging market that you're attempting to gauge the bearability of, and avoid that whole American Centurion tack, since it frankly makes us want to punch all of you in the throat.
He's on a roll: ''And then people will read this and say: 'Oh, how dare you, your dad was rich. Blah. Blah. Blah.' I'm sick of that. There's a lot of opportunity out there. Go and make it. I give 100 percent to what I'm doing. I'm not going to apologize for what I make. That's not what this country is about. As players, we're fighting to make what the market will bear. We're centurions for the American way.''
In a related note, the "With whom do you side in the baseball contract dispute?" Times poll that accompanies the article has the owners and players running even at about 20% each, with Neither garnering about 60%.
August 20, 2002
Oh, I did learn something on the D Train heading to Yankee Stadium: if you're a bald, way-overweight, poorly groomed 40-year-old guy in an ill-fitting Jason Giambi jersey, repeatedly saying, "Dude, that is exactly why I'm not in a relationship" in reply to your friend's tales of womanly woe is a great way to make everyone on the train understand that your singleness is completely voluntary, and has absolutely nothing to do with issues of attractiveness, hygiene, or large ketchup stains on the front of said Giambi jersey.
Meanwhile, here's a quick update on my relocation decision:
- The East Coast folks are threatening to kick my ass if I even think about moving back west.
- The West Coasters, in a stunning display of two-can-play-at-thatness, have threatened to kick my ass if I don't think about moving back west.
- The Fat Guy has offered to let me live in an abandoned pop-up trailer-tent in a Texas gravel pit.
The purpose of The Air Guitar World Championships is to promote world peace. According to the ideology of air guitar playing all war and disease would cease to exist and all bad things would disappear if everyone in the world only played air guitar. This is why at the end of every competition all people in the world are invited to play air guitar simultaneously.Of course, everybody's wondering if anyone can dethrone reigning champ Zac Monro of London, who is looking to become the first repeat champion. Last year, Zac rocked out to Blur's Song 2 (which was also enjoyed heartily by tonight's Yankee Stadium crowd, which "Woo-Hoo"ed right along), but is keeping this year's choice under wraps until showtime.
August 19, 2002
The Seattle folks have teamed up to offer me, among many other things, all the croutons and Ichi-rolls I can eat, a lifetime membership to the Lusty Lady, Mount Rainier, and a plate of cookies with a tuck-in to top off every night. The East Coast folks have threatened to kick my ass if I move. So it's pretty much a toss-up right now, I guess.
He mentioned a couple times that he basically expects a kiss at the end of a first date, because if you don't kiss, what's the point? I responded that it was funny that I totally didn't feel that way! He said, especially after shelling out a lot of dough, etc, etc, it is nice to get a kiss. I insisted on paying for half of everything.Seriously, I'd like to stick up for my gender and such, but this is the third or fourth dating story I've heard recently where we end up looking like total retards. Guys, let's be careful out there.
- Over/Under: days the general public will discuss the strike: 1 (possible influence: American Idol finale on September 4).
- Over/Under: days the strike will be the main topic on WFAN Sports Radio: 3 (possible influence: NFL/Giants season opener on September 5)
August 18, 2002
Why did I miss so much of the film, you may ask? Because my friends told me to meet them at a certain bar near the theater, then thought that the bar was closed because "it looked dark inside" (shocking, I know), leaving a message on my (not with me cellphone) to meet them at a different bar. Oh, I was not-so-much pleased. Anyway, after the movie we spent many hours and dollars at some bar which had the sign "Please be aware of all your possessions at all times," which I thought was an interesting philosophy.
Finally, on my way to the PATH station, some car slammed on the brakes near where this other couple and I were walking. The female passenger rolled down her window and screamed, "OHMYGOD!!! Did you see that rat?!?!" Three in the freaking morning, walking in the middle of New York Freaking City, and I have some idiots scaring the shit outta me with the news that there's a rat on the loose. After a quick call to alert the media I was on the train back home.
August 15, 2002
Lemme hear you say HO-OOOO!
Well, no more, Quaker Oats Company. You can keep your tortured oats and your freakish pancake powder, because this is one customer who is on to your cruel game. Do you know what it's like to look into the face of your heretofore innocent toddler, and to discover a betrayed expression as he lets gray gruel ooze out of the corners of his mouth? "Why, Daddy?" he asked. "Why?"If you can read this entire letter and remain dry-eyed, then you either have a heart of stone or are some evil hat-wearing Quaker freak.
Can you sleep at night, Quaker Oats Company? I can't. Not anymore.
- Ken: a strong #24 (Ken Layne still #1; Ken Howard nowhere to be found).
- Goldstein: #2 and rising.
- Donkey: #1 forever, bay-bee!
- "Besotted Degenerates" : still #1...whew!
August 13, 2002
The cumulative weight of the evidence was leading us to believe the government’s accusation that Mr. Schwarz held down Mr. Louima when he was violated by Officer Justin Volpe. But this one lone juror rejected the testimony of almost every witness who testified against Mr. Schwarz. Anyone who spoke against Mr. Schwarz was automatically mistaken, misguided, duplicitous. "Liars. They are all liars—or maybe they forget," she said of the prosecution’s witnesses. "How do I know?" In a broad and unmistakable inflection, our obstructionist uttered this generic reply to almost every question.It's worth reading to see how sometimes the most important things in life are decided by a few random, crazy factors.
[S]everal jurors asked our obstructionist if any evidence, real or imaginary, would persuade her of Mr. Schwarz’s guilt. She replied, "I don’t know."
Now, I don't consider myself either sanctimonious or tedious (though I have been known to be a touch oversensitive on occasion), but the idea that Bowden will be calling on Beamer's spirit to spur the Seminoles to convert a third-and-long against Miami seems a bit...unseemly.
Taranto finds ridiculous the idea anybody could have a problem with this, especially now that the Todd Beamer Foundation has given its seal of approval to the Seminoles' use of the motto. While that's interesting, the fact that Lisa Beamer approves of Bowden's use of the phrase doesn't really have any effect on how I see the situation, and it's certainly not the conversation-ender that Taranto perceives it to be.
Ted Williams' son may be trying to freeze his dad in order to sell his DNA later on. The family of Martin Luther King Jr. charges textbook publishers to reproduce his speeches and has licensed the footage of his "I have a dream" speech for a television commercial. Am I equating the "Let's roll" usage with these acts? Not at all. But no matter who owns the rights to Beamer's or King's words, the truth is that they're really owned by all of us (not to get too corny here), or else they wouldn't mean anything at all. While it maintains certain important legal rights regarding usage, the Foundation does not get to decide what the phrase and the courage that inspired it means to any individual.
August 12, 2002
As for me, I'm going to eat chickpeas out of the can while watching scrambled porn.
Oh, and I still need a place to live in a few months.
August 11, 2002
August 08, 2002
August 06, 2002
And even if you're too busy to chat, you should still head over there for lines like "the one night stand with the lumberjack" and "[h]e is supposed to be getting a tattoo in my neighborhood in a couple weeks, and he asked me if I wanted to meet him afterwards and hang out somewhere and check out his new ink." It sure beats Skee-Ball.
Just to offer one example: in the last week alone donkeythong.com, frothingdonkey.com, steriledonkey.com, and goldsteindental.com have become available. For months I've been thinking about either changing this blog's name or taking up dentistry, and now I can do both! Just think of what you'll find!
August 05, 2002
Now, as any math major can tell you, when you have a set number of blogs in a list, whenever you add a new one it means that an old one needs to be removed. Sometimes a link would be removed for a while and then returned, other times not. What I wanted was to keep the list fresh and to avoid was one of those massive 100+ permalink lists that are now pretty much the norm. I'm on a few of those lists, and while I certainly appreciate every link I get, it's practically impossible to get any kind of traffic from them. I figured I'd rather try and get 20 blogs a few hits than 100 blogs none.
This seemed to work well until about a month ago when, for the first time, a bunch of those folks whose blogs I delisted e-mailed me, asking what was up. (Probably not coincidentally, this all started around the same time as N.Z. Bear's Blogosphere Ecosystem, a method of ranking blogs based on the number of sites linking to them.) Well, I usually felt pretty embarrassed about the whole thing, so I would just put the writer's blog back up, which twice led to a different blogger getting bumped and then e-mailing me. To make things easier I stopped removing links, just adding new ones. The list went from 25 to 30 to 35, then 40, to the point where there were links on my own list I was reading less than once a week.
Which brings us to now, and to the much-reduced list at left. I've created a permalink list of ten blogs, as well as some "frequently rotated" (ha ha) Rotisserie Links. What this means is that your blog link may be gone, but it may very well return soon. I'm sorry if this bugs anybody, but blogging ain't all sunshine and puppies.
(Editor's Note: While we here at The Donk have always pledged to concentrate on the art and ignore the merchandising and speculation that has surrounded this blog, recent events have made this difficult, if not impossible. After receiving dozens of letters and e-mails from loyal readers and collectors who have been scammed by unscrupulous dealers selling counterfeit issues, mislabeled reprints, and the like, we have decided to include the following excerpt from Overstreet's Blog Price Guide to provide some help to those looking to get started in this fast-growing hobby.)
[1: First Appearance; D: Death; O: Origin; V: Versus]
The Illuminated Donkey
September 2001 - Present
1 $70 O: The Illuminated Donkey; 1: Cocky Sexton, Negative Nancy, The Duck
1 (Second, Third Printings) $3
2 $50 1&V: The Anti-Donkey; D: Uncle Chuck
2 (Second Printing) $3
3-5 $30 "Whence Came the Donkey" Storyline
6 $45 D: Impy the Kittycat; Ken Goldstein begins writing.
7-11 $20 "Donkey in a Strange Land" Storyline
12 $35 1: Mike Whybark (Two-panel appearance on last page.)
13 $55 O: Mike Whybark (Warning: Counterfeit versions of this issue have been discovered. The most common counterfeit can be determined by its fuzzy indicia, as well as MW's missing handlebar mustache on p14.)
14-18 $15 "My Pretty Girl, My Father" Storyline
19-21 $25 V: The Fat Guy
22-25 $12 Last Ken Goldstein issues.
26-29 $7 Crisis in Infinite Blogs Crossover
30-34 $5 "The Donkey in the Land of Rednecks" Storyline
35 $10 1&O: Guy Sterling: Skee-Ball Champion
36-40 $7 Guy Sterling storyline
41-44 $3 Poorly received All-French issues
45 $5 Ken Goldstein returns as writer.
46-49 $3 Brainwashed TID joins the Legion of Pernicious Posters
50 $8 Double-Sized Anniversary Issue; D?: Mike Whybark
March 1974 - July 1996
237 $120 1 & O: The Illuminated Donkey
238 $60 The Illuminated Donkey vs. The Dark Moose
239-40 $30 The Illuminated Donkey