The Illuminated Donkey

It's probably not a good sign when two dead cats have a poor opinion of your literary magazine.

"With Ken, I just had to say come and play poker and he came." On June 18, at the behest of Friend of the Donk Little C-Za, I appeared in the WFMU studios on the quite excellent radio program "Seven Second Delay with Ken and Andy," (it's a different Ken) where I played an exciting hand of Radio Poker. If you've ever wanted to hear my apparently reedy, Muppet-like voice bantering with the creator and Executive Producer of Monk, as well as witness a bluff that completely fails, then you'll definitely want to head over to the Archives page and check out the June 18 episode. I show up at around the 43:00 point, but feel free to listen to the whole show to get in the swing of things.

Maybe if I hadn't been so busy last Wednesday at Lot 61 trying to inhale all the free Johnnie Walker Black in a ten-foot radius, like some kinda alcoholic Supermarket Sweep, I would have noticed that there were single women there on a "How Not To Be Single crusade." I don't know what Paul's excuse was, though...

Argyle, NY is the next Hamptons! I mean, why go to the crowded, filthy Hamptons and have some skanky Hilton sister cut in front of you on line, when you can drive up to scenic, remote, tiny (population: 290!) Argyle and stay at the Josh London compound, eat like giant kings, drink beers by a bonfire under the stars, and play with the cutest damn baby anywhere (Oscar London, born exactly 30 years after me)? Well, maybe my sister, but other than that, nobody!

I'm too wiped out from a crazy weekend roadtrip and a stressful deadline day to get into too much detail, but suffice it to say that, in an unprecedented display of restraint, Jahna D'Lish and I managed to spend 48 straight hours in close proximity without any threats being issued. Unfortunately, the trip was 52 hours long. Anyway, the Unsinkable JD has already begin to recap her side of the story, and it's already illuminating to see the lies and distortions. Anyway, for your entertainment, I present a list of some of the stuff we ate! Mmmmm....

Circus Peanuts. Beef Jerky. Sausage and Pepper Subs. Tiramisu. Bacon and Egg Tarts. Salad. Bonfire-Roasted Marshmallows. Ice Cream Cones. Fresh Berries. Barbequed Chicken Wings. Bacon and Eggs. Lentil Salad. Fresh Bread. Chicken Sandwiches. Licorice Ropes. Vermont Cheddar Cheese.

I have to stop now; the drool is gumming up the keyboard.

Regular readers of this blog will certainly remember my February 19 post (okay, I don't really believe this), where I typed in awe at ESPN.com's use of an amazing paragraph stopper to create some bone-chilling suspense in a story about Ted Williams, the Hall-of-Famesicle:

Williams' close friend, Buzz Hamon, said the last time he spoke with The Splendid Splinter, Williams said, "I need a lawyer ... Because I made a mistake."

Then the phone went dead.

At the time, I suggested that this closing line should be used more often, in a wide variety of stories, to liven up some otherwise boring pieces. Well, the sharp-eyed Mike Whybark has passed along word that a New York Times reporter, in a story about bounty hunters, may have — and I am shocked, shocked! — borrowed my idea:

She said that Mr. Chapman had devoted the past six months to hunting Mr. Luster, "and this is how he's repaid, by being thrown in a Mexican jail." She said he was giving her a blow-by-blow description of his capture of Mr. Luster — "I've got him, honey, call the federales!" — when his cellphone suddenly went dead.

I feel a bit proud but also somewhat dirty about my apparent contribution to American journalism, kind of how I felt like after my prom.

Okay, now I'm on vacation, off to Manhattan to drink free Scotch with my newly unemployed sister. Ta!

Wait, I'm not on vacation yet... By this time tomorrow, the charming and talented Jahna D'Lish and I will be heading up the highway towards Saratoga Springs to enjoy a weekend of wholesome farm living. No, the track isn't open yet, but perhaps JD and I will stop by the legendary Yaddo Artist's Colony, the supposedly peaceful, out-of-the-way resort that is actually smack-dab between the ponies and a busy interstate.

Anyway, before I left I still have a few things to post for your reading pleasure...

Special Summer Report from the Guido State!

After what seemed like months of unbelievably horrible weather, the summer has hit New Jersey like a ton of really hot bricks, and the Jersey Shore is jumping jumping. And though it's only been in existence for a little more than a year, NJGUIDO.com has fast become the ultimate site for those who know and love the Jersey Shore and everything it stands for, as well as those poor folks who live in some godforsaken place like Seattle and can only Party Like A Rockstar vicariously.

To learn a little more about this excellent site and the NJGuido scene, I asked Mr. Anthony "The Moo" Moussa, the site's main man, a few questions. I hope you enjoy it, and maybe learn a little something. And when you're done, I hope that you take The Moo's advice and PARTY LIKE A ROCKSTAR!

How long has NJGUIDO been around? How and why did it get started?

NJGUIDO.com has been around since Memorial day weekend 2002. Back in the summer of 1999, I bought myself a video camera to capture the fun and funny moments at our shore house in Belmar. I proceeded to video record different moments of the summer for the entire summer of 1999. These recording where solely at the Belmar shore house which was a summer weekend home to 10 guys. At the end of the summer, we all sat around and watched the two-hour long tape and laughed and enjoyed memories. We even invited the female friends over to watch...censoring the parts they did not need to see. We watched this video a couple of times and archived it away. I burnt it onto a CD and gave it out to friends as well.

The summer of 2000 came and I was now 21 and able to get into the Belmar clubs. Unfortunately you are not allowed to carry a video camera nor would I want to carry one. I proceed to buy myself a digital camera which in the year 2000 was something that just came out. I had the little LCD display on the camera and when I took pictures and showed them instantly to people, they where amazed. So it was very easy to take loads of pictures in D'jais because most people had never really seen a digital camera and realized that they could see how they looked instantly. I also took the camera with me to Temptations in Seaside on Saturdays and took pictures there as well all summer long. Each weekend everyone wanted to see the pictures. At the end of the summer each one of my friends harassed me for the summers' pictures. There where about 1600 pictures to go through. Each person wanted their pictures, they wanted to come over and look at them or have them emailed or printed out. It was a big hassle. I made a slideshow and put it on CD for everyone. The slideshow took over an hour to go through as well. During this summer, we fell in love with the club Temptations and decided to get our 2001 shore house in Seaside Heights rather than Belmar.

The summer of 2001 came and I found myself doing the same thing, taking pictures all summer long. It was the same end result. A big hassle from everyone to get the pictures from the summer.

Last year in 2002 I decided to make a little web site for my friends so that they can see the pictures that were taken each weekend. I sat and thought of a website name that would pertain to the Jersey shore and would be catchy enough for my friends not to forget. That is when I came up with NJGUIDO.com. It was great, I was not hassled each week by my friends for pictures, they went to NJGUIDO.com and saw them and did whatever they wanted with them. But to my surprise, the website name NJGUIDO started to get around during the summer of 2002. It all started when I created a small message board that my friends would post on to discuss the weekend or the pictures. It was soon bombarded by intruders and haters and it attracted so much traffic that it would crash every day. Throughout the summer of 2002, NJGUIDO.com started to get really popular, people now wanted us to take their picture so that they could remember their weekend as well. By the end of the summer, NJGUIDO.com was getting so much traffic that we were kicked of our web hosting company. Their words were..."I'm sorry but you are bogging down our servers, we can't host your site any longer." It was at this time that I had to buy a dedicated server with one of the worlds' top dedicated server companies. Now NJGUIDO.com was indeed popular and people became addicted to the site. I had to dip into my pocket and busy schedule to make this site enjoyable for these people every single day. It wouldn¹t be right to let people down, I had to keep the site going. So I continued to do so and found time on side of my daily computer consulting job.

Can you explain the "Guido" thing to anybody who might not be familiar with it?

The "Guido Thing" is what makes NJGUIDO.com a little on edge. Most people do not know what a guido is and I really can't define it. I can only tell you what it means to me and a good percentage of our fans. The late 80's and early 90's where a time that freestyle music was popular, there was also a style that went along with it. It was the people that followed that style that I grew up knowing, older cousins and such. It was a time the dance "freestyle" music was hot up in North Jersey and at the Jersey Shore come summer. These people where referred to as guidos because of their designer clothing and often Italian decent. They had a love for clubs and club music and girls in little clothing. The guidettes had "big" hair and maintained a certain style. It was in essence a negative term that the people looking into this culture labeled them. These people disliked guidos because they appeared to be self indulgent in the enjoyment of nightlife and sex and partying. This would make any working class man envious or jealous. It is this misunderstanding that NJGUDIO.com is in fact changing. Yes we party like maniacs but we also get up for work every morning.

Yes, most guidos are in fact college grads. The difference is that we don¹t feel the need to shorten or youth, our years of partying and our desire to stay in shape. The reason we get away with this is because the women we hang with, or the "guidettes" do it too. Even after marriage guidos still enjoy the Guido nightlife, style, and culture. What rush is there to grow old? I often get feedback from what we call "haters" saying, why don't you guys grow up? Or: you are such losers, put your shirts back on!! Here is my answer to them. I am grown up, proof is in the fact that I can party like a rockstar and be responsible enough to maintain a good job. Do you think it's free to party? Losers are the people who are ignorant enough to point their fingers at us attempting to point out or flaws.....and they are going to say "put your shirt back on?" The only flaw from that feedback is their insecurity....Here is my answer to that....Are you afraid your girlfriend is going to see a man that cares about his body....If she is on the computer late at night....you know what she is looking at. LOL So the bottom line is that the word guido is what we make it.

Outsiders don't really know about guidos but they think we're poor, lazy, unemployed. Rest assured, haters, that just about any driveway in a Guido shore house has enough gorgeous cars to make a hip hop video. And their response to that is usually...and they don¹t have enough to buy food....but we have enough to have a bar tab every weekend. The flaws that Haters point out are the flaws they can't see....they make them up. The Conclusion....Guido to them is everything that their uptight selves can't get out to do. Guido to us is living the good life and completely enjoying our youth, it is prolonging our youth and being free of all the things that make uptight people soo damn uptight.

Describe your perfect NJGUIDO moment.

The perfect NJGUIDO moment is being in Surf Club surrounded by hot women in Bikinis with the DJ playing a club classic from summer of 1999 like Sal Dano's "Hands Up" while sipping on Ketel on the rocks in my Dolce and Gabana Jeans and Tank Top while dancing with the beautiful ladies one at a time on a Sunday afternoon in July. And this is exactly what happens...

In terms of weather, at least, it's been a pretty lousy run for the shore, going back to last Labor Day. As far as you¹ve seen, has this affected the crowds and clubs?

The weather has affected the outdoor clubs a great bit yet the indoor clubs that go at night are doing OK. There is nothing that's going to stop clubs like Temptations, yet it has slowed them a bit.

What common misconceptions about New Jersey do you think people would lose if they hung out with you and your people for one night?

One night with the NJGUIDO crew and I think people not from Jersey would realize that we are really just out to have a good time. We are not trying to brag about our lifestyles we in fact are just defending them against haters. They will realize that we are normal responsible adults that have come across something we love. We are all well educated responsible workers that know how to enjoy our youth and make it to work. They would understand that a Guido is really a misconception in negative terms and a popular and positive way of life in true Jersey terms. New Jersey is known for people like us, people that live and work for the weekend yet make it through life happily with lots of friends, family and success.

I'd like to thank you for helping my non-Jersey readers understand a little of what they're missing.

Well, I guess I'm on vacation.

Every once in a while, when I really regret leaving Seattle, I take a look at the extended weather forecast and then I feel a tiny bit better...

Mar 08 Snow to Rain 90 %
Mar 09 Rain / Wind 100 %
Mar 10 Showers 40 %
Mar 11 Showers 30 %
Mar 12 Showers 30 %
Mar 13 Showers / Wind 50 %
Mar 14 Light Rain 60 %
Mar 15 Light Rain 60 %
Mar 16 Showers 40 %
Mar 17 Showers 60%

I mean, I know the weather `round here ain't been nothing to cheer about, but that endless gray of Seattle does get to a person after a while. I remember when I first moved there, how during those first few months I explored my new city and met great people and was as happy as I've ever been in my life. Then, around February, I started to feel really down about things, would just wake up in a funk that lasted all day. At first I thought it might be lingering doubts over leaving Jersey or a simple comedown after the adrenaline high I'd been on, but then I realized it was that I hadn't seen even the tiniest hint of sunlight for about two months and my body was just really sad and confused.

Anyway, Murph and I managed to stave off further depression by holing up in (the since-closed) Ileen's on Broadway pretty much every night for the next three months, finally peeking our heads out when summer arrived. (Review taken from the indispensible-to-about-six-of-my-old-friends Drunk in Seattle site, featuring writeups on a good half-dozen or so bars that swallowed my paycheck whole and have since vanished into the ether.)

Angry, Bitter, Unemployed Superhero Seeks Partner in Battling The Forces of Darkness.

Via the armed and dangerous Kambri Crews, this article about idiotic people doing disgusting things might just have the best title ever!

Look, I don't want to be the guy who's always talking about the weather, but WHAT IN THE HOLY HELL IS GOING ON WITH ALL THIS RAIN FOR THE LOVE OF PETE?!?!?!

R-U-Blah-Blah! Just how pathetic is my alma mater's athletics department? It turns out that we can't even cheat competently.

RU reeling after series of blunders.

The NCAA put [Rutgers] on a two-year probation (14 months of which have been served), took away 20 scholarships (all but four of which already have been cut), and publicly reprimanded it for, well, basically being stupid.
[...]
[NCAA Committee on Infractions chairman Thomas] Yeager said things could have been exponentially worse - if Rutgers had known what it was doing. Usually in a case like this, with such staggering numbers of violations, Yeager said someone is "trying to come up with a scheme to make an end run around the rules."

But not Rutgers. No, Yeager said, this case "ran to competence." Administrators, he said, "lacked appropriate levels of knowledge and expertise." They were, he said, "completely unaware" of NCAA rules. Yeager has spent six years on the NCAA Committee on Infractions. He couldn't remember a single case in which an institution was guilty of such extensive violations without any forethought.

"This one," he said, "is a little bit unique. There's usually some real intent to violate the rules."

Among the more pathetic infractions:

• Three athletes hadn't declared majors by the middle of their junior year.
• A lacrosse player participated in six games in spring, 2001, despite being de-registered from all his classes.
• Twelve athletes had the major "pre-business" on their transcripts, though no Rutgers degree is awarded in pre-business.

Fortunately, this won't affect the Scarlet Knights' football bowl chances, as the team hasn't had a winning record since 1992, and has gone 18-71 over the past eight seasons.

It's Ain't Over `Til It's Over! You know, in the NBA-IKH (National Basketball Association In Ken's Head) Finals, it was actually the Nets who went on a stunning 19-0 run Sunday night to shock the world and force tonight's deciding game. And I'm happy to report that these imaginary, much less frustrating, Nets scored the first 9 points of the game (including a Jason Kidd 3 and an earth-shattering Kidd-to-Martin alley-oop) to take the crowd out of it, and now lead the Spurs at halftime, 47-35. Oh, and Tim Duncan is in a local emergency room after eating some bad clams during the pre-game buffet. It's looking like another title in the Meadowlands!

Hmmm...maybe I should just go ahead and start my mid-life crisis now, while I have all this spare time.

From the "Problem Solvers" section of Central Florida's WKMG-TV site:

Fla. Delivery Man Allegedly Spotted Naked, Fondling Self

A 29-year-old food service delivery driver was fired after he was allegedly spotted naked and fondling himself among food containers prepared for Central Florida senior citizens, according to Local 6 News.

Students at the Rose Training Institute said that they saw the truck driver, who is believed to be Andrew Raquet, fondling himself with the Styrofoam containers at the Pine Hills Shopping Center parking lot.

"He was totally, totally naked, nothing on," [witness Frank] Solomon said. "He was buck naked, over the food."

And the really sad part of this is that the innocent, nonbiodegradable Styrofoam is gonna have to live with that memory for millions of years.

Actual Tech News!

The Council of Europe — an influential quasi-governmental body that drafts conventions and treaties — is meeting on Monday to finalize a proposal that [...] says that Internet news organizations, individual Web sites, moderated mailing lists and even Web logs (or "blogs"), must offer a "right of reply" to those who have been criticized by a person or organization.

Hmmm...it appears that if those muckety-mucks on the Council (of which the U.S. is a non-voting member) have their way, then there could be all sorts of far-reaching effects on our little corner of the blog world. Red Sox fans will get their say over on Paul Katcher's site, Girls Are Pretty might have to print rebuttals from folks who think that they ain't, and Jahna D'Lish might have to print the angry, anonymous replies from readers with uncomfortably small penises. The only good side is that Vincent Gallo might write in with a long-and-inevitably-heelarious rant to my sister Nancy.

"The only thing that would have been more inappropriate is if I leaned over and used my father's forehead to steady myself as I signed." — Tom Kenny, the voice of SpongeBob Squarepants, upon being asked to sign a SpongeBob CD while standing near the casket at his father's funeral.

Well, compadres, it's Tuesday again, and that means it's time for another episode of Nancy Goldstein's GALLOrious!

This week Nancy points us to a previously unexplored area of Mr. Gallo's oeuvre here at The Donk, namely his musical career. In 2001, Gallo released the ten-song album "When," and while unfortunately the song "I Wrote This For The Girl Paris Hilton" is an instrumental, Nancy was able to find the lyrics to "Yes, I'm Lonely" for your enjoyment. So enjoy!

Yes, I'm Lonely

I'm always sad
When i'm lonely
I'm always sad
Sad

It could be
So nice
So nice
So nice
So nice
So nice
Nice

It could be
So nice
Nice

So nice
So nice
So nice
So nice

It could be
So nice
So nice
So nice
So nice
So nice

It could be
So nice
Nice
Niiiice
So nice
So nice
Niiiice
So nice
So nice

Thank you, this has been another edition of Nancy Goldstein's GALLOrious!

Down the Shore. Hit Seaside Heights with my sister yesterday to try and break in the new summer, but it all still feels so...2002. It's not just the totally weak weather, either. There's no new hot summer single (we were still hearing "Hot in Herre"), no hot new summer toy prize, and the renovated Sawmill was extremely bootleg: the pizza was a little more expensive and slightly smaller, and we couldn't even sit down at one of the tables, since they were all "reserved for waitress service." Plus, my sister won more candy than I did...

At least the NJGuido folks are in mid-season form, partying like true rockstars. I love those guys.

The dream is over. Again. Killed by a frigging 19-0 4th-quarter run by the Spurs. NINETEEN! to NOTHING!!! Here's a helpful demonstration of just how painful that run was:

1. POINT!
2. POINT!
3. POINT!
4. POINT!
5. POINT!
6. POINT!
7. POINT!
8. POINT!
9. POINT!
10. POINT!
11. POINT!
12. POINT!
13. POINT!
14. POINT!
15. POINT!
16. POINT!
17. POINT!
18. POINT!
19. POINT!

Well, just wait `til...ah, the hell with it.

Stupid Nets, Stupid Referees, and Stupid New Jersey Nets "Fans." Sitting at work yesterday, nothing planned for my Friday night, a few bucks in my pocket, so I figured I'd head to a big sporting event and try and find a friendly neighborhood scalper to let me in. But which one? Up in the Bronx, Roger Clemens would be vying for his 300th W and his 4000th K, while a little closer to home Your New Jersey Nets would be trying to go up 3-2 against the Spurs.

Folks, I made the wrong choice.

While Clemens made some double-history, I paid a C-Note to watch hideous officiating (54 inconsistent fouls called, including two soft ones and a soft T on Kenyon in a three-second span ), an apparently-on-the-verge-of-death Kenyon Martin leading an assload of underachieving players, and...oh, yeah...freaking CAR BOMBINGS (including a completely gutted Chevy Suburban about 20 yards from my fortunately unharmed vehicle) were the story of my night.

And Stephen: I take back anything nice I might have said about New Jersey fans. I've heard louder crowds and seen more excitement at dog shows. When your team has the ball down by 7 with about a minute to go, and not only can't you get anybody in your section to, at the very least, STAND THE HELL UP, but the PA guy chooses that break to play the frigging "I don't wanna work, I wanna bang on the drum all day" song...well, my friends, I think it's safe to say that you simply don't deserve an NBA team.

Sure, my noble attempt to become a star to millions of cats failed, but that doesn't mean that all is lost! Meredith, one of them Tex in the City folks and a heck of a nice gal, is a candidate for stardom on Meow TV for her performance of "Friendship; An Ode to Cosmo." Just click here and vote for #182!

Via Paul Frankenstein, in an attempt to help me become more popular with the international audience, I present the most recent post, translated into Portuguese, and then back into English!

Somebody For is There Must Prove me Its Or Its Devotion Buying Me These Relatively Cheap Gifts. Hey, somebody for is of there will please buy me the recently set free game of my favourite film of all the hour, the right material of special edition DVD? It has documentaries and footage never-before-visa! Perhaps E if.not, you can preferivelmente buy for me special edition recently also set free DVD of one another favourite film of mine, a time in top of a moment in America? The approval, starts me only unrated the version old school, then. Dammit, because I all establish my money in a complete collection of each flavor and size of insane person of dog 20/20?!?!?!

I feel so — how do you say? — sophistimicated!

Somebody Out There Should Prove His Or Her Devotion To Me By Buying Me These Relatively Inexpensive Gifts. Hey, will somebody out there please buy me the newly released special edition DVD set of my favorite movie of all time, The Right Stuff? It has documentaries and never-before-seen footage! And if not, maybe you can instead buy for me the also newly released special edition DVD of another favorite movie of mine, Once Upon a Time in America? Okay, just get me the unrated version Old School, then. Dammit, why did I blow all my money on a complete collection of every flavor and size of Mad Dog 20/20?!?!?!

And now it's time for another dispatch from my sister Nancy's new series: Vincent Gallo is crazy. Or is he? While she first thought about excerpting some choice passages from this interview with Resonance Magazine (featuring a rather impressive 25-1 answer-to-question word ratio), she eventually decided...well, okay, just this one:

Resonance: Well, you're still trying to get girls nude, according to your website.

Gallo: I don't know why but it makes me feel loved or special if girls take off their clothes for me. Not that I'm interested in looking, because I don't even look, I'm not sexualized by it, it just makes me feel like I'm special to them if they'll do this thing for me.

And now that that's out of the way, Nancy presents, direct from the Internet Movie Database message boards, a Real-Life Brush with Gallo!

I met Vincent Gallo on the street once. I literally bumped into him coming around a corner. I recognized him immediately and said "Hey! Vincent Gallo!". He said "Yeah" and kept walking. I then yelled out to him "I really liked 'Buffalo '66'!" He said "Thank you" as he kept walking down the street.

Now, I didn't expect the guy to hang out with me but usually artists such as Gallo like to be recognized for their work. I doubt he gets mobbed all the time since he's on the fringe he but hurried past me like he was annoyed. Maybe he was in a hurry. He was with a very hot woman. Maybe they were having problems. Maybe he does have obsessed fans that bother him. Maybe he doesn't like to be recognized. Maybe he's just a frickin' weirdo!

I did feel good about the fact that I got to tell him that I enjoyed his work that was so personal to him. But I was surprised to be brushed off so quickly.

That's a tough break, MrBlondNYC, but that's the chance we all take when we enter the world of Vincent Gallo.

Until next time, this has been another installment of Vincent Gallo is crazy. Or is he?

Nets 77 — Spurs 76 It's a best-2-of-3 series now, folks, so I repeat...

N-E-T-S NETS! NETS! NETS!!!

A just-win-baby performance with — finally! — a Kidd-to-KMart alley-oop and some scares towards the end made for a satisfying night of viewing, but for Pete's sake, with the eyes of the nation upon New Jersey, couldn't the Nets have done a little better than the Branson-worthy halftime show of Joe Piscopo introducing KC and the Freaking Sunshine Band for a medley of their hits?!?! Wow, washed-up stars from the 70's and the 80's! It's a shame they didn't get Pauly Shore for the trifecta!

Keith Fernbach: Official Friend of the Donk, filthy liar, and now...Media Darling!

"People should do whatever they do to entertain their cats," said Keith Fernbach of Grand Central Marketing. [...] "I think a lot of it's anecdotal in terms of how the cats were interested," opined Fernbach.

Gosh, I haven't been this proud of ol' Fernie since he solely and without any help from me originated and masterminded the plan to steal that Portuguese Fisherman sign...

Friends of The Donk Round-Up!

1. Mike Whybark, who many of you may remember from his role as the voice of Moonbase Alpha Computer on Space: 1999, just sent me a link to the Weirdsmobile site, featuring the talents of "B", who Mike thinks is the funniest damn blogger he's read in ages. I'm too hepped up on codeine and Pixie Stix to judge for myself, but until then we better take his word for it or he'll do that annoying computer voice thing for hours.
2. Following up on yesterday's classic BumWines Review link, my old friend Phillipe "Murph" Lopez sends word that some folks in a Philadelphia industrial park are working on machinery that can turn turkey offal, or pretty much anything else, into oil. As a bonus, the story features this not-at-all-creepy note:

   If a 175-pound man fell into one end, he would come out the other end as 38 pounds of oil, 7 pounds of gas, and 7 pounds of minerals, as well as 123 pounds of sterilized water.

   If successful, this would be pretty damn sweet (the cheap, renewable energy, not the guy falling into the machine).
3. Um...I guess that's all the friends I have, but I suppose I can use this space to say that if you're a telemarketer trying to sell me credit protection or some useless crap like that, don't think I'm going to be all impressed when you start off by telling me you're "calling long distance." What is this, 1965? Am I supposed to buy something from you just so we don't keep the switchboard operator waiting? It's a three-cent call, for Pete's sake. Sheesh.

Free Culture and Stuff! Hey, all you New York City kind of folks: tomorrow is the very special Museum Mile Festival, featuring a closed-to-traffic Fifth Avenue, street entertainers and live bands, plus nine free museums (well, I guess a lot of them could be free anytime, since they have that "suggested admission" which you don't really have to pay, but tomorrow from 6-9 they'll be free without you having to be an utter cheapass scumbag).

The museums include the Metropolitan Museum of Art, the Guggenheim, the Cooper-Hewitt Design Museum, and the Jewish Museum. I think I'm going to try and go to the Jewish Museum, since the two times I've attempted to go were both on a Saturday, and I ended up at the entrance of the closed-for-the-Sabbath museum just feeling like a complete tool.

#1 in a Two-Part Series: Welcome to TitleTown USA, Baby!!!

[Speaking of which, if any of you out there happened to be sitting near the Nets' bench during yesterday's game and could tell me what the hell Byron Scott (Worst...Motivational Speaker...Ever!) could've said to trigger the 4th quarter no-show (my guess: C'mon guys, let's win, but not cover the spread!), we'd appreciate a note solving the mystery.]

Introducing a Brand-New Series Here at The Donk! My tiny sister Nancy, who some of you may remember for her standout exclusive reports from Salt Lake City during the 2002 Winter Olympics, has officially been named The Donk's Editor in Charge of Vincent "Crazy" Gallo, filmmaker, artist, musician, and "Goodfellas" extra. Vince's site is just filled with crazy delights for the taking, but Nancy has decided to start this feature off by sending me something a little out-of-the-way, namely this Warning from the VincentGallo.com Message Board:

Old messages will be occassionally pruned. However, if I notice any polluted messages, which usually come from bitter, jealous, ugly, poorly-hung men, who are unhappy at work and wished their whole life to be like me, I will remove these unproductive nasty little posts and I would like to say to these twisted queers and half-men, I feel sorry for you. All I ever wanted to do was be me. I hope one day you feel the same about yourself and release yourself from the petty, small-minded urges of polluting this message board and distracting its wonderful members. So go ahead and say whatever you want nasty about me, but know that we will all know by your insults just how small your pecker really is and how miserable your life has always been and how long it's been since any girl under 500 pounds responded to your cheap lines at the local pub.

Whew! That was just too good to edit! Be sure to let us know if you'd like Nancy to continue to supply us with reams of Gallo Goodness! Also, if you can hook her up with a job, that would be pretty cool, too.

Oh, New Jersey Nets, why must you toy with my fragile emotions? Why oh why...

In my workplace of Rahway (a city synonymous with "state prison"), the liquor stores have the largest and finest collections of cheap, fortified "bum wines" in the known world. I had always been too intimidated by the sheer selection and variety to take up the hobby of lunchtime drinking, but thanks to my friend Murph's forwarding of this invaluable and comprehensive Buyer's Guide to Bum Wines, I need not suffer through sober afternoons any more. Thanks, Murph!

I certainly can't claim to be any sort of expert on the subject, or even much of a Civil War buff, but in the few months I've spent reading about the various battles, most notably Gettysburg, I find it shocking that no historian has apparently ever seriously considered the difference that even one F/A-18 E Super Hornet might have had on, say, Pickett's Charge. If I'm mistaken, please let me know.

I took advantage of my lovely day off yesterday to hang out in Central Park then check out the renovated Hall of Ocean Life at the Museum of Natural History. I dunno...I seem to remember that giant-ass blue whale being so much bore...bluer when I was a kid. Scarier, somehow. The West Indian Manatee diarama was pretty sweet, though, and you can't beat that diorama of the two pissed-off moose going at it (unfortunately not shown). Plus, it was very nice out, and the women were wearing less clothing than usual.

And today it's crappy and raining and I have to help my parents move furniture. Yesterday wins.

I have the day off and I'm going out to frolic in the sweet, lovely sunshine. Don't wait up.

The Big P.F. is shutting down Paul Frankenstein Light Industries & Manufacturing at the end of the month, so this is your last chance to buy stuff with my giant head on it, as well as other less frightening geegaws and knickknacks.

Well, this is a whole lot of fun. I think that instead of rooting for the Nets I'm just gonna go outside and lie down on the Pulaski Skyway. At least I'll know what's coming and I won't have any of those pesky long stretches of hope...

Okay, let's try this again...

N-E-T-S  NETS! NETS!  NETS!!!

A brief message to any of the three red-vest-wearing gargoyle employees at the Tonnele Avenue Kmart who surrounded that nice guy who barely spoke any English and started screaming at him and threatening to have him arrested because he was taking some pictures of your beautiful, precious Black & Decker display case so he could do some research later that day, but now will hopefully never step foot in a Kmart ever again: I hate you.

I dunno...is it me?

Dear Giant Travel Agency Billboard Overlooking the Southbound Pulaski Skyway:

Okay. You win. I give.

I admit that the first few dozen times I drove by you I didn't pay much attention. Sure, your reclining, bikini-clad model was vaguely attractive, but certainly nothing remarkable. And while the prices listed for the Caribbean vacations seemed reasonable enough, I just used up all of my vacation time, and probably wouldn't be jetting off to a tropical island in my present single state anyway. So on I drove, morning after morning after occasional evening.

And then...something changed. I began to notice you a little further up the road and kept my glance lingering a little later. I began to fantasize about calling your 800-number on my cell, stopping off at Newark Airport, and hopping on a flight to Aruba in a desperate search to find that model and maybe buy her a drink or a new bikini. My Ford Escort continued onward down Route 1/9 to my soul-deadening job, but my heart was still back on the Skyway, climbing up the ladder and diving into your cool, crystal-clear waters. Under cloud-covered skies, I pine.

So, as I said, I give up. I've written down your phone number and web address and promise that the moment I get some more days off I'll fly to wherever you want me to go, for however long you want me to stay.

But for now, please leave me in untropical peace.

Ken

Vera Zvonareva, the fiery young Russian whose sporadic brilliance and obvious mental instability made me fall instantly in love with her back during her U.S. Open loss to Kim Clijsters, pulled off the biggest win of her career by upsetting third-seed Venus Williams 2-6, 6-2, 6-4 in the French Open Today. The win comes a month after Zvonareva won her first-ever title, at the storied Croatian Bol Ladies Open.

Granted, clay is obviously not Venus's best surface (last year was her only finish past the Quarters in seven tries) and she played like crap today, making 75 unforced errors in the three sets (an average of almost three a game) as well as a ridiculous 12 double faults with no aces, but the victory by Zvonareva (who shares my birthday, doncha know?) broke a string of four straight Grand Slam final appearances by the lesser Williams (granted, she lost them all).

Next up for Vera is fellow Russian Nadia Petrova, who pulled off a three-set upset herself today against Jennifer Capriati, with a possible Grand Slam rematch against Clijsters down the road. And a win there means the drinks are on me.

Update: stupid Nadia Petrova...

And even if it doesn't rain when he goes to Seattle, he'll have to watch out for giant packs of police-escorted, geese-slaughterin' park rangers.