The Illuminated Donkey

A. O'Neal, by contrast [to Michael Jordan] is solidly earthbound. (On the court, Kobe Bryant is Ariel to O'Neal's Caliban.)

B. The sight of [O'Neal] backing towards the basket, slowly shoving the opposing team's center, inch by inch, brings to mind nothing so much as Sisyphus endlessly rolling the rock up the hill.

C. [O'Neal] wears size-22 basketball shoes, which are made for him by a company called Starter. (When the Lakers' equipment manager carries the shoes into the locker room before a game, he cradles them in gentle arms, as if he were the nursemaid of Otus and Ephialtes, the twin giant sons of Poseidon.)

Ridiculing the ignorant and less-fortunate 22% 12
Absolutely nothing; it's great just how it is! 20% 11
Recipes 14% 8
Exciting contests with fabulous prizes 11% 6
The dirt on my personal life 9% 5
Even more links to Mike Whybark's blog [http://mike.whybark.com!] 5% 3
Minutia regarding my fantasy baseball transactions 5% 3
What's new and fun on The Lifetime Network homepage? 5% 3
Catchy doggerel and assorted verse 3% 2
Daily rants on why my company doesn’t deserve somebody as brilliant as me 0% 0

As World Wrestling Federation Entertainment, we have entertained millions of fans around the United States and around the globe," said Linda McMahon, CEO of World Wrestling Entertainment. "Our new name puts the emphasis on the "E" for entertainment, what our company does best. WWE provides us with a global identity that is distinct and unencumbered, which is critical to our U.S. and international growth plans."

Mrs. McMahon said the company began considering dropping the word "Federation" from its name when World Wildlife Fund (a/k/a World Wide Fund for Nature) prevailed in a recent court action in the United Kingdom.

Me: I have a question. Since you railed hard on what you don't like in a blog what do YOU like.
MW: I just like personality, character ... the kind that I'm drawn to in real life is reflected in the sort of blog I want to read. [...] Do you want me to give you a favorite blog top ten list?
[...]
Me: You listed like four, where are the other six blogs?
MW: Ken Goldstein is the least grating of the NYC blog society. You know it?
Me: Again...No

You have to hand it to these online daters for the enthusiasm with which they commodify themselves. Most seem unabashedly honest in exposing themselves, and few appear to be unfamiliar with the value-add. As Bedbury asserts, it's important to "know that your advertising must create a proposition that your product or service delivers on, time and time again." Accordingly, chirpy love-seekers offer up their services with the enthusiasm of merchants at a street market: "I visit the beach or the canyons at least once a week!" "I'm easy-going and intense!" "I give great massages!" And then there's the more subtle: "I love cunnilingus!"

Anyway, as if all this wasn't illuminating enough, another Expert stepped into the spotlight: Ken Goldstein, an economist with the Conference Board. According to Goldstein, "People with money to spend and a willingness to spend tend to spend money."

In 1999, however, Ms. Aniston was fleetingly featured as a grim waitress in Office Space, a box-office and critical dud that can count Mr. Arteta among its few advocates. — "Time to Leave Rachel Green and Friends Behind" (registration required)

Not knowing of the change, freelance journalist Matt Villano held a two-hour protest on the corner of Occidental Avenue and Royal Brougham Way across from Safeco Field. Wearing a gray T-shirt that he had printed for $15 with the phrase "Mariners Management Sucks," Villano chanted through a megaphone that "Censorship sucks" and gave dissertations about fascism, the First Amendment and the Bill of Rights.

After handing out fliers with the dictionary definition of "suck" and getting about 100 people to sign a petition noting their disapproval of the Mariners' ban, Villano, 27, staged his entrance to the ballpark wearing a television camera microphone. When he wasn't stopped, he asked why. "He ignored me," Villano said of the gate employee.

"We deeply regret this unintentional error and offer our heartfelt apologies to both women," the magazine said in a statement. [...] In the statement, Penthouse said it had examined the purported images Kournikova in "painstaking detail" and received assurances from the photographer before deciding they were genuine.

• If you are a fellow blog publisher, you will no longer be able to post directly to individual posts, but can only link to the main page. Often readers who reach The Donk in "the middle of the story" miss out on important posts that could help further their understanding of the issues. For example, a reader who goes directly to my whining about my stat counter resetting post below would miss out on the funny picture of Jesus shooting hoops.
• Despite the convenient nature of the permalinks at left, you will no longer be allowed to click on them, but must rather contact me with the name of the blog you wish to visit, after which I will respond ASAP with a brief, pithy summary of that blog.
• You will no longer be allowed to e-mail me directly, but will instead have to send all correspondence to my mom (thedonkmom@hotmail.com) who will screen all of my mail.
• You can only view The Donk by poking a hole in a cardboard tube and looking at the projection.

A lawyer for the nursing home workers had claimed they pooled their money to buy the winning ticket. The workers claimed co-worker Angelito Marquez had the winning ticket but was refusing to give it to the group.

Marquez insisted all the tickets he purchased were losers. Marquez's lawyer, Donald DiGioia, said Monday the co-workers ultimately suspected Marquez had the winning ticket because he called in sick for three days with the flu after the April 16 drawing. Marquez' absence and state officials' reports that the Big Game winner lived in Union County fueled the workers' suspicions, DiGioia said.

Daddy Can I Turn This: EW said this would make me want to put on my Armed Forces T-shirt, and indeed it has the same instrumentation; it only lacks the lyrical pith, production clarity and inventive melody of that period. Other than that, sure, it's a dead ringer for an Armed Forces song, once you get past the fact that it sucks.

Lapham is most dismayed that he has been accused of being unpatriotic, when he isn't. "In a democracy, the most valuable quality is candor," he said. "Democracy works best when people try to tell each other the truth. That's not what we've got. We've got a lot of cant."

"They are concerned that you will be daunted by the growth rate of the grass and suggest that you begin planning your lawn care strategy ASAP."

Enron: Skilling "Agitated"

"When shown records that laid out the details of the financial returns during his testimony several months ago before the S.E.C., Mr. Skilling was said to have grown agitated as he described his opinion of the information. Had he known the magnitude of the profits, Mr. Skilling was said to have told the regulators, he would have immediately summoned Enron executives involved in the dealings and given them 24 hours to justify such outsize results."

WhhaAATTT! Why, THESE PROFITS are an OUTRAGE! EXPLAIN YOURSELVES or face the WRATH of... KENNY BOY!

Uncover the Secret of Your Aura

An aura is a light surrounding every person and it hints at the color of his or her soul. Psychic Carol Pate says, "You don't need special powers to see someone's aura. Let your eyes go blurry and you will see a light around them — a clear light. See your own aura by standing about three feet in front of a mirror with a blank wall behind you. You may see color surrounding your head, shoulders and body."

RED
Red represents sexuality. It's highly charged and suggests strong emotions and passions. A murky brown tint to it suggests a dangerous individual, very violent or psychotic.
ORANGE
Orange represents mental stability and clear thinking. Psychologists and philosophers often have this aura. A murky orange indicates insanity and nonviolent emotional instability.
PEACH
Peach is the color of anxiety. Actors who have stage fright will have peach auras, as will anyone experiencing a lot of stress.

With a greater number of visitors and a greater number of links from people's blogs that are primarily focused on political and foreign policy issues, I've felt pressured to contribute similar content. Well, that experiment has been demonstrative of one thing, at least — such writing is not my forte. Thus, don't consider this a farewell — consider it a renewed statement of purpose.

In the last month, I've found as many Jew-haters on the Continent as in the Middle East, but the difference is that the Arabs are fierce in their hatred, no matter how contorted their arguments, while the Europeans are lazy, off-hand Jew-haters — they don't need arguments, they're happy to let the Arabs supply the script. Thus, the extraordinary resolution this week by the UN Human Rights Commission which accuses Israel of many and varied human rights violations, makes no mention of suicide bombers, and endorses the movement for a Palestinian state by "all available means, including armed struggle" — i.e., terrorism. The resolution could have been drafted by the Arab League or the PLO.

• It has nothing to do with the Democratic Party, with the “Illuminated” qualifier meaning neither enlightened nor superior.
• While it’s a perfectly understandable guess, the name doesn’t parse as “Wise Ass.”
• Finally, the name is not an underground slang term to attract partners for some bizarre and possibly illegal sexual act, and the posts are certainly not written in some sort of code designed to inform readers of my whereabouts on Tuesday and Thursday evenings! (Wait, you mean nobody out there had actually thought that? Urm…carry on, then.)