April 02, 2002

Yep, more baseball, and a whole lot of it. With apologies to the Village Voice's long-lost yet long-remembered "Bob Dylan Baseball Abstract," I present my 2002 All-Haiku Baseball Preview Spectacular!
AL East:

1. New York Yankees
Five out in August?
"Yawn," says Mr. Steinbrenner.
"Buy Walker and Bonds."

2. Boston Red Sox
Not quite another
Spahn and Sain and pray for rain.
Try Pedro and floods.

3. Toronto Blue Jays
The hitting is there,
But something just seems missing...
More than two starters!

4. Baltimore Orioles
Lots of young hitters
Mixed with a few veterannnnnzzzzzzzzzzz.
Sorry — dozed off there.

5. Tampa Bay Devil Rays
My fantasy league:
Every Yankee was drafted
Before the first Ray.

AL Central

1. Minnesota Twins
Every hard-fought win
Is a glorious, shining
F.U. to Selig.

2. Chicago White Sox
They'll win 85.
If the Big Hurt can stay Un-.
That could be enough.

3. Cleveland Indians
Colon and C.C.
Replace the lost superstars:
Gain eighty pounds each.

4. Detroit Tigers
When will they fire
Randy Smith and Phil Garner?
The ballpark's nice, though.

5. Kansas City Royals
Lose Damon and Dye.
Gain Hernandez and Neifi.
And for your next trick?

AL West

1. Seattle Mariners
It can't happen twice!
There's regression to the mean!
Fine. Ninety-nine wins.

2. Oakland Athletics
Giambi's gone, but
Hudson, Mulder, and Zito
Are the game's best three.

3. Texas Rangers
They backed up the truck,
Signed a dozen free agents,
But still lose 10-8.

4. Anaheim Angels
Not really awful,
But need two or three pitchers
To escape last place.

NL East

1. Atlanta Braves
Someday, years from now,
Maddux and Glavine will lose.
And we’ll have jetpacks!

2. Philadelphia Phillies
Old Mariners fans
Would rather poke out their eyes
Than watch Mesa close.

3. New York Mets
Too tough to predict:
Could win or lose 95.
Let’s say .500.

4. Florida Marlins
The baseball fans ask,
From Jasper to Miami,
“Is Cliff Floyd hurt yet?”

5. Montreal Expos
If a team loses
And nobody comes to watch,
Does it make a sound?

NL Central

1. St. Louis Cardinals
Forget all the hype,
They’ll succeed for one reason:
Best uniforms ever.

2. Houston Astros
Wins like Enron stock,
Dropping from high in 90’s
Not quite down to zero.

3. Chicago Cubs
They’ll win through July,
Then a mass realization:
“Oh yeah, we’re the Cubs.”

4. Milwaukee Brewers
On hot summer days
Milwaukee fans cool down, with
The breeze from the whiffs.

5. Cincinnati Reds
Off to Cinergy?
Be sure to get there early:
You might get to start!

6. Pittsburgh Pirates
Sure, they’re small market,
But I can’t feel too sorry:
Derek Freaking Bell?!

NL West

1. San Diego Padres
Do I really think
That they’ll win the division?
Hell, somebody will.

2. San Francisco Giants
Bonds slugs 100,
Finds bin Laden, cures cancer.
Still misses playoffs.

3. Arizona Diamondbacks
Bottom of the ninth,
Rivera to Gonzalez!
Now back to the pack.

4. Colorado Rockies
Move in the fences,
Fill the balls with helium,
The hitting still sucks.

5. Los Angeles Dodgers
Don’t worry, Shawn Green,
You can sit out Yom Kippur,
The team's 14 back.

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