April 10, 2002

Hits? Visits? Page Views? The latest blogger buzz revolves around the stats and math involved in figuring out just how many people are looking at these here blog things anyway. InstaPundit and Andrew Sullivan have had their say, and Official-Media-Guy-Who-Actually-Knows-What-He's-Talking-About Jeff Jarvis has weighed in.

Well, I figured it was timed to bring out the big guns, and explain the official Illuminated Donkey Conglomerated Media site metrics for determining traffic figures. The first step is, as Jeff Jarvis suggests, determining our daily page view figures using our handy GoStats counter seen on your left. Then, as each post is technically considered a different page according to Web-GAAC rules, we multiply the page views by the total number of posts. We then take that number and multiply it by our estimated “pass-along rate” of 3.15, this being the average number of people each of our readers tells about the site. At this point we add in our auxiliary page views, which includes a percentage of page views of sites which have linked to The Donk, plus an extra 10% boost if they say something nice about us. We then add 100 for each e-mail we get, and finally, we pull out my Game of Life from the closet, spin the clackety-clack spinner, and multiply the total by the result.

Then, we take one penny for each visitor, dump the pile on the bed, and roll around in it naked, laughing and laughing and laughing and laughing until we pass out.

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