March 15, 2003
Ouch. Last night, my ace-high flush met up with an extremely well-hidden full house, bringing my night to a quick and stunning close. Then I woke up in agony at around 3 a.m. with a massive leg cramp, since I am apparently 12 years old again...stretching, aspirin, tumblers of water until I could finally fall asleep, and even now I can't walk without limping and grimacing.
On the positive side, it's a gorgeous day out, so I'm gonna try and take advantage of that, perhaps lounging in the park and then heading to one of those museum things I've heard so much about. Plus, I just made my hotel reservations for what promises to be the social event of the decade: this July's Jersey Shore nuptials of Murph & Juli, with the beach ceremony performed by...ME! Yes, I'm sure I'll be writing more about this as we get closer, but I have been asked (and have humbly and gratefully accepted) the rather weighty task of joining together my old roommates from back in Seattle. We're working out all of the details (such as: long and ornate white or purple robe, or perhaps one of them Boss Hogg white suits I've always craved?), but if any of you folks out there have any experience with this sort of thing, please drop me a line.
On the positive side, it's a gorgeous day out, so I'm gonna try and take advantage of that, perhaps lounging in the park and then heading to one of those museum things I've heard so much about. Plus, I just made my hotel reservations for what promises to be the social event of the decade: this July's Jersey Shore nuptials of Murph & Juli, with the beach ceremony performed by...ME! Yes, I'm sure I'll be writing more about this as we get closer, but I have been asked (and have humbly and gratefully accepted) the rather weighty task of joining together my old roommates from back in Seattle. We're working out all of the details (such as: long and ornate white or purple robe, or perhaps one of them Boss Hogg white suits I've always craved?), but if any of you folks out there have any experience with this sort of thing, please drop me a line.
March 12, 2003
Well, tonight I had planned to broaden my cultural and political horizons by checking out a documentary about the local aftermath of the September 11 attacks, "Terror Town: Jersey City, USA," followed by a panel discussion. It was all probably pretty interesting, but about ten minutes before the film started I was driving around looking for a parking spot and I ran into a pothole that must've been about a foot deep, blowing out my front-left tire. So no interesting documentary, no heated panel discussion, just me covered with grease and dirt, struggling to unscrew some damn lug nuts. Bleh. At least I'll get to see Elvis Costello, tonight's Letterman replacement, interviewing Eddie Izzard; that should be cool. Will Ferrell's filling in tomorrow, if you're the kind of person who's interested in that sort of thing...
Spring is definitely in the air. Not only did I hear my first game of the season on WFAN (and folks, former "Bowling for Dollars" host and original Met broadcaster Bob Murphy ain't sounding any younger; ya think maybe the Mets might just leave him down in Florida?), but the 2003 lineup of Seattle Mariners commercials has been released! This latest batch features The Ichiro Shift, casual Fridays, and new Mariner Randy Winn's visit to Judson & Sons Nickname Consultants. Ah, I can almost smell the stale beer tinged with a whiff of unfulfilled promise!
March 10, 2003
You know, I just picked up my notebook to work on a little project, and it turns out I've completely forgotten how to write, like, manually. It's been so long since I actually tried writing that the pen just felt bizarre in my hand, my handwriting looked like a drunken six-year-old's, and my fingers were killing me after about half a page. This can't be a positive sign.
March 09, 2003
Well, I hadn't linked over to The Fat Guy for quite sometime, so I figured I'd stop on by and see what was a-happenin', and basically the man's just gone about as crazy as six squirrels in a gunnysack. In one short day the man's gone on a major road rage rampage followed by a vicious armed assault on a deflated air mattress, stalked some poor wild turkeys, chainsawed down what looks like a frigging forest, nearly killing his brother in the process, plus some other assorted burning and chopping and (thankfully clothed) dancing around a toxic bonfire. This might be my last TFG link for a while; frankly, I'm scared to death to go back there.
Wow, 80,00 visitors, that's really cool. It's especially humbling when I take a moment and realize that's far more people than ever read, say, Alexander Pope's or Joseph Conrad's blogs during their lifetimes. It's the kind of affirmation that makes me want to pick up Jahna D'Lish and drive down to Seaside Heights to check out hotels for the big Murph & Juli wedding coming up this summer. So I guess I'll just do that.
March 08, 2003
TOP SECRET PLAN EXPOSED! CATACLYSMIC WORLD FLOODS EXPECTED! On second thought, maybe we will be getting some rain around here today...
March 06, 2003
Songs from the Attic. You know, I was always pretty upset that the whole Kensapoppin' experience had passed from the public conscious, even being left out of the seminal work "Not Since Carrie: 40 Years of Broadway Musical Flops," but thank God that Mike Whybark has taken the time to resurrect this noble theatrical experiment! Perhaps a stint as part of the City Center Encores program is in order!
March 05, 2003
The cool thing about having a roommate is that sometimes you come home and she's just made a batch of chocolate-chip cookies and says you take as many as you want, she just felt like baking.
March 04, 2003
Oh, acetaminophen with codeine smuggled across the Canadian border, you are my only true friend...
Bleh. So how can everything make perfect sense one day, like everything's coming together and all the pieces finally fit, and then the next day you can't even imagine what could possibly have made you so damn content and it's like if someone asked you the time you'd just get a confused look on your face and hold up your watch because you just know that if you opened your stupid mouth you'd just screw something up?
Sigh.
On the other hand, have I recommended Raging Cow to you yet? Mmmmm...Raging Cow!
Sigh.
On the other hand, have I recommended Raging Cow to you yet? Mmmmm...Raging Cow!
Holy cow! Hey kids! Do you like The Illuminated Donkey? If you do, then you'll definitely dig Raging Cow, the brand-moo milk-based soft-drink product from Dr Pepper. It's an udder sensation!
Can't sleep — clown will eat me. Can't sleep — clown will eat me. Can't sleep — clown will eat me. Can't sleep — clown will eat me. Can't sleep — clown will eat me. Can't sleep — clown will eat me. Can't sleep — clown will eat me. Can't sleep — clown will eat me. Can't sleep — clown will eat me. Can't sleep — clown will eat me. Can't sleep — clown will eat me. Can't sleep — clown will eat me.
March 03, 2003
Ken Goldstein of the Week Week: A Hyperlinked Sonnet
Was never a morning guy; always liked night,
That's especially true when I wake with a fright.
Though it isn't bad nightmares that cause me to freak,
Just my first painful glance of each Me of the Week.
I remember Mahir with his "I kiss you, please!"
And hampsters, and clicking on loot stuck in trees.
Tourist Guy, Donkeys — I love a good meme,
But somehow it's different when I'm on the screen.
What damaging pics will be dug out of boxes?
Will a Photoshopped me be surrounded by foxes?
Into which ancient archives will Whybark delve? Is
My face gonna be on a ballsy, fat Elvis?
What horrors do Frankie and `Bark have in store?
Do I dare to awake for four mornings more?
Was never a morning guy; always liked night,
That's especially true when I wake with a fright.
Though it isn't bad nightmares that cause me to freak,
Just my first painful glance of each Me of the Week.
I remember Mahir with his "I kiss you, please!"
And hampsters, and clicking on loot stuck in trees.
Tourist Guy, Donkeys — I love a good meme,
But somehow it's different when I'm on the screen.
What damaging pics will be dug out of boxes?
Will a Photoshopped me be surrounded by foxes?
Into which ancient archives will Whybark delve? Is
My face gonna be on a ballsy, fat Elvis?
What horrors do Frankie and `Bark have in store?
Do I dare to awake for four mornings more?
March 02, 2003
The second series of the super-spectacular Patchouli strip — Patchouli Squared — just came to an end on Friday, so you can now read the whole thing in one glorious chunk. Of course, if you never read the first one you'll probably want to start there so you're not totally lost. But just to give you a little incentive to check it out, Patchouli Squared features Bloomin' Onions and Implied Nudity!
I linked to one of his stories below, but if you haven't checked it out yet go do so. Karl Iagnemma is the most interesting and talented writer I've come across in a while, not to mention one with the most impressive bio I've ever seen:
Karl Iagnemma is a research scientist in the mechanical engineering department at M.I.T. His short stories have received the Playboy College Fiction award and the Paris Review Discovery Prize, and have been included in the Best American Short Stories and Pushcart Prize anthologies.Sure, other terrific writers like, say, George Saunders may have "explored for oil in Sumatra, played guitar in a Texas bar band, and worked in a slaughterhouse," but I'd personally like to try the whole M.I.T. Research Scientist/Award-Winning Writer combo the next time I'm in a bar and somebody asks what I do for a living. Anyway, Iagnemma's first collection, "On the Nature of Human Romantic Interaction," will be published soon, so you should probably go and pre-order a couple of copies to give to friends.
Lyle Lovett: The Coast Continues. I've written about this subject before, but with the release of his new album Smile, a collection of his songs and covers from recent films, the man who I once considered to be the greatest songwriter in America continues his apparent refusal or inability to write any new material. Since the release of Joshua Judges Ruth back in 1992 (or, to put it another, perhaps more insinuating, way, since his marriage to Julia Roberts), Lovett has released seven albums, including a greatest hits collection, a live album, a collection of songs he wrote before his debut album, a double-album of covers of songs by Texas songwriters, a soundtrack with instrumentals and some old songs, this new movie collection, and exactly one album of new material. Seriously, this is the kind of discography one expects from the Sex Pistols or Tony Bennett or somebody, not a guy who should still be writing new stuff. Feh on him.
Nope, it wasn't a bad dream — all those pictures are still there...
March 01, 2003
Oh no. No no no no. NO! You know, I come home from a long night in NYC to celebrate my friend Little C-Za's birthday, figure I'll check my mail and a couple of other things before hitting the hay, and I am confronted with this, part of Mike Whybark's (who claims to have met me once when I lived in Seattle, though I certainly don't remember it) ongoing and possibly libelous Ken Goldstein of the Week Week. I mean, how the hell am I supposed to sleep tonight?!?! And more importantly, why do I have absolutely no memory of this night?! (Warning: link contains Ken.)
February 27, 2003
There... is... no... sanctuary. That red crystal in his palm has started blinking, which can only mean one thing — Paul Katcher turns 30 today! If you're walking by Coyote Ugly at around 3 a.m. tomorrow night and see some soused guy stumbling out of the place, guided by two hottie bartenders, wish him a happy birthday for me!
Hey, breaktime’s over — get back to work! Well, I feel a lot better now. I played some tennis, finished some freelance work, did a little reading, and stopped wanting to punch people in the throat, so it's time to just eeeeease right back on into the posting.
First off, while I was in hiding, Kevin Heller of the First-Notable-Blogger-Blog-of-2003 Tech Law Advisor blawg was nice enough to ask me to join his other project: The TwistedFans Sports Blog. I don't have much up there yet, but it's where I'll be posting all my sports-related stuff so as not to contaminate any of you non-sports-fans. Also, longtime DonkWatchers might notice that I've added five blogs to my permalinks over there on the left, bringing the total up to 15, only six of whom I actually owe money to.
Finally, in honor of the 28 days of February finally coming to an end (a month that was good for exactly two people), I submit for your approval the genius of "The 28 Hour Day: A New Clock for a New Age." Just imagine it: 56-hour weekends, avoiding the tediousness of working during daylight all the time, four more episodes of "24" every season. Plus, it means that the alarm clock division of my company would make tons of cash.
February 24, 2003
Hmmm...I just read this blog over and I sure have been sounding cranky lately. I think it's time for a little break...
Then the phone went dead.
Then the phone went dead.
Attention World: Look, I understand that you're probably just trying to be nice or something, and I'm sure you mean well, but I'd like everybody out there to please stop holding the frigging door for me all the time. It's one thing when I'm walking a couple of steps behind you and letting go would cause me physical damage; that's fine, hold the door then, much appreciated. But you know what? If I'm, like, 20 yards away and in no particular hurry and haven't even looked at you, don't stand there holding the door and staring at me like I'm the most ungrateful bastard you've ever seen. What the hell do you want me to do, make a mad dash for it? Drop whatever I'm holding and run to the door, stopping to kneel down and thank you for being such a wonderful and caring person? How about you go on inside and leave me to handle this complicated door technology all by myself; that okay with you, champ?
Hey everybody, howsabout this week we all pull together and do our best not to have any horrible, ridiculous, tragic accidents, okay? All right, on three, and.....break!
The Talking Dog has collected all of his "Breeds and Comments" blog reviews and summaries into one handy list. You should check it out, and not just because he gives me credit for all of Whybark's work.
Over at Cut the Shit, Joe lists the Top Five NYC Subway Peeves, along with much, much more.
February 23, 2003
Go see Old School. Right now! To quote Abraham Lincoln, "People who like this sort of thing will find this the sort of thing they like." But even more so!
Doing Fine. Oh...um...thanks for all the nice words and notes and everything, but that little tiny-text box over there on the left, the "very sad and lonely" one, isn't true or anything. It was supposed to be funny, but I suppose I can see how it could be taken at face value, especially considering that most of you don't really know me too well. But no, really, I'm doing pretty okay, unless I get fired on Monday, which very well might happen, but that would be an occasion for anger more than self-loathing. Stay tuned.
Then again, checking my referral logs I find that the newly permalinked and days-away-from-30 Paul Katcher and I have somehow ended up (for completely unrelated posts) as the #4 and #5 results for "dale earnhardt jr shirtless pictures." I may have to add "scared" to "sad and lonely."
Then again, checking my referral logs I find that the newly permalinked and days-away-from-30 Paul Katcher and I have somehow ended up (for completely unrelated posts) as the #4 and #5 results for "dale earnhardt jr shirtless pictures." I may have to add "scared" to "sad and lonely."
You know, everybody's getting all hepped up about Michael Jackson all of a sudden because he may have done this or that, or because he has weird things done to his face (but hey, it's his face, his business!), or on occasion engages in a little horseplay, but why is it that this person makes a career of exploiting infants, dressing them up in weird outfits, photographing them naked, or even dangling them from the ceiling in nylon bags and nobody says squat! What's up with that!?
Via Slate's Summary Judgment, a link to the funniest damn thing I've seen in months (and I've seen a lot of things), an interview by Washington Post columnist Gene Weingarten with self-published author Robert Burrows. Weingarten promised Burrows a promotional platform of two million readers, but only on the condition that the interview be about how truly awful Burrows's book is. The exchange contains the line, "As you know, I think Great American Parade is a wretchedly terrible product that shames the American publishing industry. Is it available in stores?" and many, many more.
February 21, 2003
Pink is the new black. You know, every once in a while it's a wonderful thing to be able to contribute, in some small way, to something much grander and more noble than oneself. With that in mind, may I direct all of you to the brand-spanking-new-and-shiny thisfish.com, home of This Fish Needs a Bicycle, designed by the illustrious Paul Frankenstein.
February 20, 2003
Nets 98 — Pacers 91. I took my brother to the Meadowlands for his birthday gift, and we both got to witness the six-foot-four bundle of unbelievable clutch that is Jason Kidd completely take over the game in the second half, finishing one measly rebound shy of a triple-double. There was some fine play by Kenyon Martin and the highly underrated Aaron Williams, but this was a showcase performance for Kidd (well, a showcase second half; he had only five of his 31 points at the half).
Unfortunately, if the Nets can't do better than 5,000 empty seats for what any basketball fan had to know would be one of the biggest games of the regualr season, we're probably going to have to watch Kidd play somewhere else next year. Frigging shame, really, but I suppose you just can't ask people to miss the new episode of "Are You Hot? The Search for America’s Sexiest People."
Unfortunately, if the Nets can't do better than 5,000 empty seats for what any basketball fan had to know would be one of the biggest games of the regualr season, we're probably going to have to watch Kidd play somewhere else next year. Frigging shame, really, but I suppose you just can't ask people to miss the new episode of "Are You Hot? The Search for America’s Sexiest People."
February 19, 2003
Oscar Fever? Make that Whybark Fever! Hey, howsabout everybody head on over to our good pal Mike Whybak's place so we can all post our Oscar picks in his comments box. In fact, if he'd be willing to organize some kind of little Oscar pool, I'd be willing to offer a Grand Prize of a sealed VHS copy of the cinematic jewel "Paradise," Phoebe Cates's film debut, co-starring Willie Aames, with Tuvia Tami as "The Jackal." What do you all say?
Speaking of the press, I present my nominee for the Most Probably Exaggerated Use of the Description "Awe-Struck" to describe twelve-year-olds:
(Although as the aforementioned Mr. Frankenstein points out, it would indeed be awe-inducing if Lash really did go straight from elementary school to the White House.)
Bush Adviser Returns to Sacred Heart SchoolOh my god, it's the man who formulates international economic policies! Somebody please catch me if I faint...AAAIIIEEE!!!!
By Miles Doyle, Journal Staff Writer
Assistant Secretary of Commerce William H. Lash recently told a group of awe-struck uniformed Jersey City students about how he went from solving algebra problems as a Sacred Heart schoolboy to being hand-picked by President George W. Bush to protect American economic interests across the world. [...] As the head of market access and compliance, Lash advises on the analysis, formulation and implementation of the nation's international economic policies.
(Although as the aforementioned Mr. Frankenstein points out, it would indeed be awe-inducing if Lash really did go straight from elementary school to the White House.)
I Smell Pulitzer! For sheer StephenKingEsque chills, it's hard to beat the opening few lines of ESPN.com's uncredited "The Chilling Final Journey of Ted Williams."
In fact, Paul Frankenstein (who I consult in such important matters) and I are so taken with this particular journalistic style, we wouldn't be altogether upset if it found its way into more articles that can use a dash of spice. For example:
What would Ted Williams have thought if he knew his body would be hanging upside down in a nitrogen-filled tank with perhaps four other full bodies and five heads at a cryogenics lab inside a strip mall in Scottsdale, Ariz.The ESPN.com piece definitely improves upon the original New York Daily News story by Bill Madden, which not only buries the nugget in the second-to-last paragraph, but goes for the more descriptive and less bone-chilling:
Williams' close friend, Buzz Hamon, said the last time he spoke with The Splendid Splinter, Williams said, "I need a lawyer ... Because I made a mistake."
Then the phone went dead.
'In my last phone conversation with Ted, two weeks after I left the museum, he told me he wanted to write a story on his last 20 years," Hamon said. "Then he said: 'Buzz, I need a lawyer.' I said: 'Why?' and Ted said, 'Because I've made a mistake.' At that point, someone apparently walked in the room where he was and yanked the phone out of his hand.""Apparently?" What the heck kind of word is that to use, Mr. Bigshot Yankee Suck-Up? Where's the zing, the whack in the face?
In fact, Paul Frankenstein (who I consult in such important matters) and I are so taken with this particular journalistic style, we wouldn't be altogether upset if it found its way into more articles that can use a dash of spice. For example:
Wachovia Buys Prudential Brokerage UnitSee that, Mr. Brian Kelleher? That's friggin' journalism!!!
Wed February 19, 2003 06:00 PM ET By Brian Kelleher
NEW YORK (Reuters) - Wachovia Corp. WB.N said on Wednesday it agreed to buy Prudential Financial Inc.'s PRU.N brokerage business, creating a new firm large enough to compete with top industry rivals such as Merrill Lynch & Co.
"This new company makes sense because it gives us the scale necessary to compete," said John Strangfeld, who ran Prudential's brokerage operations and will be chairman of the new firm.
Then the phone went dead.
February 18, 2003
My Day Job. I made it home alive again, this time from the not-nearly-as-much-fun-as-it-sounds Toy Fair, where nearly all the cool stuff is kept behind closed doors, and most of the big excitement comes from watching red-faced, middle-aged reps haggle over shipping terms for Groovy Girls or Funky Monkey plush dolls. The general industry blahs (besides the overall economic woes, the parent company of FAO Schwarz and Zany Brainy has filed for bankruptcy, and the ongoing Kmart collapse continues to wreak havoc), not to mention the fact that the whole area is still practically a disaster area, has led to another fairly subdued experience. This is my second time in attendance, and while I enjoy the field-trip atmosphere of the day I've been told by co-workers that the show used to be far more exciting and interesting before I arrived on the scene (and how many times have I heard that before?).
The swag quotient was fairly decent though, as I filled my bag with the usual assortment of pens, keychains, and magazines, plus a few boxes of Simpsons Cookie D'ohs, some packs of baseball cards (I got an Ichiro!), a cute little doll for Jahna's niece Amber, and some fun little Lego-like blocks. Not to mention the company-expensed lunch (though if a dish is gonna be filled with mushrooms and in a mushroom broth, don't you think the menu description should at some point contain the word "mushrooms"?), and taxi ride. It made me feel all ... corporatey good.
The swag quotient was fairly decent though, as I filled my bag with the usual assortment of pens, keychains, and magazines, plus a few boxes of Simpsons Cookie D'ohs, some packs of baseball cards (I got an Ichiro!), a cute little doll for Jahna's niece Amber, and some fun little Lego-like blocks. Not to mention the company-expensed lunch (though if a dish is gonna be filled with mushrooms and in a mushroom broth, don't you think the menu description should at some point contain the word "mushrooms"?), and taxi ride. It made me feel all ... corporatey good.
February 17, 2003
I don't know how things are in the rest of Jersey City, but the condo association board here just voted 4-1 to resort to cannibalism if the blizzard doesn't break by 4. And there's a rather plump and succulent-looking marketing manager in C-9 who's in for a pretty big surprise if that happens.
I am trapped.
February 16, 2003
Whew, I made it home alive! You can all relax now, I'm home safe and sound, indoors and unsnowed-upon. It's just crazy what's happening out there now — the snow's falling at the rate of about a half-inch every minute, with no real break in the weather expected before Wednesday, and the mayor of Jersey City has just decriminalized crazed looting for the remainder of the crisis (which is good, because I am totally running low on milk, bread, and stereo equipment). Anyway, I picked up a halfway decent digital camera today, so here's a look at the scene currently outside of my window, with some of the plows off in the distance trying to restore some order.
Oh, and not that I'm not slightly pleased about the recognition, but the fact that I was somehow named as one of Blogstreet's 100 Most Important Blogs can only mean that either a) Their ranking system considers a disconcerting combination of self-promotion and self-deprecation to be extremely important, or b) Every single other blog that they ranked is about kittens.
Update: Um...I seem to have fallen out of the top 100 to #115 in their list, which is a touch embarrassing, but I'll be goddamned if I'm gonna take that banner down! They'll pry those pixels from my cold, dead, unimportant fingers!
Oh, and not that I'm not slightly pleased about the recognition, but the fact that I was somehow named as one of Blogstreet's 100 Most Important Blogs can only mean that either a) Their ranking system considers a disconcerting combination of self-promotion and self-deprecation to be extremely important, or b) Every single other blog that they ranked is about kittens.
Update: Um...I seem to have fallen out of the top 100 to #115 in their list, which is a touch embarrassing, but I'll be goddamned if I'm gonna take that banner down! They'll pry those pixels from my cold, dead, unimportant fingers!
[I think I'll go for a long drive tomorrow, and I think I'll listen to this song a few times to keep me going.]
David + David: "Heroes"
Fifteen long years on a losing streak
And a lot of bodies unburied,
And there comes a time when you cannot turn the other cheek,
You have got to ride the ferry
Past the battered old bodies of dead dead dreamers,
Past the tethered and fettered and deskbound schemers,
The punks and the drunks and the bad guitar players,
And the dewy-eyed teenage dragon slayers,
You come to this place where you can say
I just want to work with you,
As we do the things that we know we have to do,
Ever hopeful and ever blue,
We do the things that we know we have to do,
And though we all know deep down in our hearts,
That someday this will all fall apart,
For right now,
Let's just be heroes.
(Thanks to the David Baerwald Info Source for the lyrics.)
David + David: "Heroes"
Fifteen long years on a losing streak
And a lot of bodies unburied,
And there comes a time when you cannot turn the other cheek,
You have got to ride the ferry
Past the battered old bodies of dead dead dreamers,
Past the tethered and fettered and deskbound schemers,
The punks and the drunks and the bad guitar players,
And the dewy-eyed teenage dragon slayers,
You come to this place where you can say
I just want to work with you,
As we do the things that we know we have to do,
Ever hopeful and ever blue,
We do the things that we know we have to do,
And though we all know deep down in our hearts,
That someday this will all fall apart,
For right now,
Let's just be heroes.
(Thanks to the David Baerwald Info Source for the lyrics.)
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