I think that this Valentine’s Day I’m going to break with tradition by sitting alone in my room loudly
weeping, instead of silently; let's shake things up a little! ... I can never see a headline like "South Dakota Firm Recalls Beef Products
" without thinking of a bunch of folks sitting around a South Dakota conference room, sighing and remembering all of the fine beef products they've had over the years ... One of the best things about the Academy nominating five really hot women in the Best Actress category is that no matter who wins you know it's going to be somebody really hot ... Up until I was around 12 years old I had no idea that there was such a thing as a silent b, so I'd pronounce words like "doubt" as "dubbit" and nobody would ever bother to correct me ... Boy, it sure would be really great if my job mattered in the grand scheme of things even a teensy little bit ... A lot of times you'll hear people try to convince you that they're not racist by saying something like "If somebody's the best-qualified candidate for the job I wouldn't care whether they're white, black, brown, yellow, or purple!" but you know they're just bullshitting you about hiring that purple guy ... If I used to be the President of the United States but now just spend a lot of time hanging around the house, I think I'd build a pretend joint session of Congress in my basement, like Rupert Pupkin in The King of Comedy
, set up lights and an applause machine and give the most kick-ass State of the Union address ever! ... Thinking back on my 31 years on this planet, on all of the amazing people I've met, incredible sights I've seen, wondrous things I've learned, on all of the simple and beautiful facets of just being alive, I think that the time I was truly the happiest and most content was that one time when I was making out with that hot chick.