January 30, 2003
long-awaited return of the Ken Goldstein of the Weekwhich was created by Whybark and Frankenstein to promote
the grand opening of the Ultra-Swanky-Deluxe KGP Superstoreand you realize that Great, the frigging restraining order must've expired! Now I gotta spend another six hours filling out paperwork down at the Muni Court! Effin' terrific!
January 29, 2003
You're all still thinking about that post, aren't you? Aren't you?!?!
Well, fine! Read it as many times as you want! I'm not ashamed of it, not ashamed of being a real human being with real feelings and real hopes, fears, and dreams! So no, I'm not gonna just delete it, because that post is a part of me, and deleting that post would be like deleting a bit part of me, plus it might mess up some of the comments and links and whatnot but mostly because it's me! So if you have a problem with that, I guess that just means you have a problem with me! And maybe that means you should just leave!
Christ, where'd I put that frigging tequilla...
January 28, 2003
January 27, 2003
There is a weird respect among Washington journalists for presidential candidates who come before their most loyal supporters and insult them. In 1992, candidate Bill Clinton spoke before a black audience at a meeting of Jesse Jackson's Rainbow Coalition. Rapper Sister Souljah, who had spoken to the group the evening before, had recently told The Washington Post that blacks would be justified in killing whites. Clinton criticized her for those comments, angering his audience and insulting Jackson.Wait — you mean you thought after that lengthy build-up there was actually gonna be a "Sister Souljah moment"? Nah, you've just fallen for that Classic Journalism Technique: the Wishful Thinking Reverse Lead.
The move cemented Clinton's reputation as a centrist Democrat who was not held hostage to his party's interest groups. The media cheered, and the phrase "Sister Souljah moment" was born. In subsequent campaigns, George W. Bush won praise when he criticized House Republicans for trying to "balance their budget on the backs of the poor," while pundits swooned for John McCain when he said his party was bought and paid for by corporate special interests.
So when the six Democratic presidential candidates spoke before a core Democratic interest group, NARAL Pro-Choice America, Tuesday night, one question that hung in the air of the Omni Shoreham ballroom was, which Democrat would "Sister Souljah" NARAL? The answer was nobody.
You see, like most political events this one offered nothing newsworthy, with the candidates speaking to an abortion-rights advocacy group and, well...advocating abortion rights. So imagine that you're covering the event: you're listening to these action-packed speeches, taking notes, and the next thing you know you're daydreaming, "Boy, wouldn't it be great if Gephardt went ape-shit and started screaming 'Baby Killers!!!' or something like that?"
So instead of trying to differentiate the suits' various shades of blue you find yourself sketching out this terrific Sister Souljah lead, and if Gephardt actually promises to personally perform every tenth abortion in America if that will help get NARAL's endorsement...well, that just means it's the perfect time to bust out the old Wishful Thinking Reverse Lead and pray that Hillary jumps into the race.
January 26, 2003
The first blogger or group to bestow just about any kind of award or honor on us here at The Donk will be rewarded with a three-dollar...oh, let's just call it a processing fee, as well as some other cool trinkets from Donk HQ.Yes, folks, we'd sure like to be called "Award Winning," but we need at least one award for that. Oh, and it just can't be us getting an award; it has to look like it's part of some group of awards. Thanks.
As for the real game today, my Grid Pool numbers are NFC: 3 and AFC: 5, a result which has never happened once in the entire history of the game, so I ain't holding my breath. As for the halftime show, the sentence "Sting is expected to make a surprise appearance." pretty much sums it up for me.
(from Bruce McCall's "Saddam's Surprisingly Sentimental Last Will")Now, I unfortunately misplaced by copy of "Hollywood Wives" during the move, but in every other book I own pages 201 and 202 are printed on opposite sides of the same piece of paper, making this an especially devious hiding place.
It is my long-standing desire, and certainly not part of some diabolical escape ploy, that my valuable private collection of false Iranian, Panamanian, Paraguayan, and Syrian passports [...] be immediately FedExed to the address written on the scrap of paper stuck between pages 201 and 202 of the paperback edition of "Hollywood Wives" in the private library of my office suite at the Hall of the Heroes, Baghdad [...].
January 25, 2003
January 24, 2003
If you're a real Crack Aficionado, chances are you're a busy man. You're out there making the deals, changing the world. You work hard and you play harder. And let's face it: if you're going to walk down to the corner with five bucks in your pocket, it's not gonna be to buy some magazine. CrackAficionado.com is your solution.This is the first magazine that's really spoken to me since Sassy shut down back in 94.
Jersey City is a town of ghosts. It is a shanty town of old ideas and dreams. It is an opportunistic spurt that grew like a stalagmite, a deposit from the seeping drip of commerce across the river. As I waited for the light rail to take me to Newport, I could not help but feel the emptiness of the place. Canyons of office buildings of recent build. In their desolate, hurried growth they looked like cardboard boxes made to resemble stone and marble. The storefronts, empty. People milled about in huddled clusters, never straying far from the doors they came out of.As Erin points out, perhaps the reason that the folks weren't hanging around outside is because it's like 20 freaking degrees below zero out there! If they stood outside for too long they'd freeze to death. The author of the piece, Pitchaya of Hands Free, is going to the Blogger Bash so I may get a drink thrown in my face, but in any case I'd be happy to list a few places around Jersey City that are vibrant and interesting and filled with people walking around and chatting and stuff — just not by the financial district, and not on the coldest day of the year.
January 23, 2003
"Denunciations of the invitation to the poet [Tom Paulin] began surfacing among several conservative Internet bloggers — among them Andrew Sullivan and opinionjournal.com, the online counterpart to the Wall Street Journal editorial page."I mean, there is the adjective "Internet" — to differentiate them from all those radio and TV bloggers, I guess — but it's sort of cool that the New Yorker assumes that people will just understand what a blogger is.
January 22, 2003
Oh, and speaking of outside, have I mentioned that it's nine freaking degrees out, with a wind-chill that makes it feel like four freaking below, and that if all goes well it may peek above freezing by Monday, just in time for the freaking snow? What kind of a god would allow something like this to happen?
(As a little side note, it's probably not a good sign when one of the nominess for "Best Tagline" was lifted from ESPN's Stuart Scott.)
So, you me be asking, would it be okay if I cut my workout in half today, since I'm not really into it and American Idol is almost on and you can kind of count the walk to the exercise room as exercise since, you know, I'm walking and I promise to exercise twice as hard tomorrow?Thank you, this has been The Illuminated Donkey's Amazing Exercise Fact, #3 in a Series.
The answer is: Sure, what the hell do I care, it's your life.
January 21, 2003
The Chelsea in the Sixties seemed to combine two atmospheres: a scary and optimistic chaos which predicted the hip future, and at the same time the feel of a massive, old-fashioned, sheltering family. That at least was the myth one nursed in one's mind, but like all myths it did not altogether stand inspection. The idea of family had limits. Unless one was drugged out, or spending one's days putting paint on canvas, words on paper, chisels on stone, or singing operatic arias at the piano, one found it difficult to hold [hotel owner] Stanley [Bard]'s attention. In fact, I cannot recall a single real businessman-guest, although some of that type may have frequented the regular all-night card games, like the one which caused a bit of a rumble when two hold-up men stationed themselves outside the room and robbed the happy winners as they emerged into the hallway.The Chelsea of Miller's time was home to such figures as Dylan Thomas, Brendan Behan, Arthur C. Clarke, and later became newly infamous when Sid Vicious stabbed Nancy Spungen to death in Room 100. It was not, however, where Valerie Solanas shot Andy Warhol despite Miller's odd, uncorrected memories of the event.
But such mishaps were rare and would be denied by the management even though it gave the place a certain panache, or relief from real life's ordinary constraints. It was not, one thought, that Stanley cultivated weird people, potheaded layabouts and some extraordinary as well as morbidly futile artistic types, but simply that he seemed to think these dreamers were normal; it was the regular people who made him uneasy.
January 20, 2003
Curious how many more calories you'll burn off if the exercise room TV is showing something decent like The Simpsons or Jeopardy! rather than some blah-blah-blah show like the Nightly Business Report on PBS or Lou Dobbs or something, not that you couldn't ask the guy on the treadmill if you can change it but he seems kind of into the whole treadmill thing and you don't want to break his stride, so to speak?Thank you, this has been The Illuminated Donkey's Amazing Exercise Fact, #2 in a Series.
The answer is: At least four-to-five times as many calories!
(We pick up the story as Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi, accompanied by 40 Italian journalists, has landed in Libya for a one-day visit.)Surprising, Tecca didn't win that pageant; the crown went to the aforementioned Lucy Layton. And while many girls might be disappointed that they didn't take home the coveted Miss Net World crown, Qadaffi made sure to cement the budding Tecca relationship with a few special gifts: a watch featuring his face surrounded by diamonds and Libyan citizenship plus a position as Honorary Consul to the United States. Sure makes your chocolates and dozen roses look like a pile of crap, don't it?
As Berlusconi was whisked off to Qaddafi's headquarters in Bab el-Azziziya, the attendant journalists followed aboard a government-supplied bus. [...] Once admitted to the inner compound, the journalists were led across the grounds to the three-story ruins of Qaddafi's old home. Across its shattered facade, floodlights illuminated an enormous banner touting something called the Miss Net World beauty contest, with its hopeful slogan: ''Beauty Will Save the World.'' [...] Rather than being off somewhere hammering out a deal with Berlusconi, Qaddafi had apparently spent much of the evening chatting with the beauty contestants in his Bedouin tent.
''It was really great,'' exclaimed Tecca Zendik, a statuesque 19-year-old from Southern California who represented the United States in the pageant. ''He was very nice and really humble. They had put out this special chair for him, but instead he sat in this ordinary plastic chair like everyone else.'' ''And the tent was really amazing,'' added Miss United Kingdom, Lucy Layton. ''It had these beautiful carpets and these silk tapestries on the walls. It was like something out of 'Arabian Nights.'''
It appeared there had also been a bit of drama in the tent. When Qaddafi began a critique of American policy toward his country, including the 1986 air attack that killed his infant daughter, Tecca grew emotional and began to cry. Taking notice, Qaddafi moved her to the seat beside him and comfortingly patted her hand as he continued his talk. ''He wants me to come back again tomorrow night,'' Tecca said, looking as if she might start crying again. ''I mean, this is all kind of overwhelming. I've never been out of the States before, and here I am meeting Qaddafi.''
Wondering what percentage of calories consumed in an average chinese buffet lunch followed by a whole bunch of cookies and cake brought in for some accounting guy's birthday are burned off during a 30-minute workout on one of them ski-track exercise machine doohickeys?Thank you, this has been The Illuminated Donkey's Health and Exercise Fact of the Day, #1 in a Series.
The answer is: 100% of them.
January 19, 2003
But yes, it was a delightful night of delight in honor of the lovely Miss G.I. Jane. I gave her jars of crunchy peanut butter and Fluff from the Peanut Butter & Co. restaurant in Greenwich Village, and we learned that not only do many people make unfortunate fashion choices, but that occasionally those same UFC-suffering women will walk in such a manner that will make them resemble a Tyrannosaurus Rex.
January 17, 2003
Best (or worst) lie I've ever told:It's funny, because it's not true!
'People like you. I mean people really like you. They really really like you. And I don't think you should let this UN shit get ya down. So get your chin up and go back out there and let 'em have it'
If I could be anywhere at the moment:
On the Tigris with 12 pack and some hand grenades.
The five items I can't live without:
Fill in the blanks:Saddam is sexy; Sajida Talfah (Saddam's Wife) is sexier.
- Hand Grenades (They really do make fishing a whole lot easier)
- My Crew-everybody around me that makes things run smoothly: Tariq, Muhammed, Saddam Jr, and, of course, let's not forget Todd Oldham. Todd you're a sweeeeeeeeetie!
Why you should get to know me
I'm strong, sensitive, and I'm being fast tracked within the regime. You're looking at a star.
January 16, 2003
You are a jackass, obviously. Hope you evolve, maybe next life you will be a dung beetle. In your view I'm sure that would be progress!This is the second piece of hate mail I've received so far this month. 2003 is shaping up to be the year of hating Ken Goldstein.
January 15, 2003
January 13, 2003
January 12, 2003
In other exciting news, I am now the proud sponsor of the Kent Tekulve page on the truly indispensible Baseball-Reference.com. I became a big fan of Tekulve's during his days with the Phillies, years after his peak with the Pirates, and I tried unsuccessfully for years to copy his sidearm style. I'll never forget him come in to face Gregg Jefferies with two outs and the go-ahead runners on, late in a Reds-Mets game. It was the last season of Tekulve's career and the first full season for the highly touted Jefferies, the latest obnoxious budding star for the obnoxious Mets in the obnoxious 80's. I remember my brother, a big Mets fan, laughing at this goofball warming up, taunting me with predictions of just how hard the young phenom would hit the washed-up reliever. My friends, Jefferies struck out swinging, with three swings that weren't within a foot of the pitch. Lord, that was a beautiful moment. Thanks, Kent.
January 10, 2003
"What are you doing back?" "I sat back and thought about the things we used to do. They really meant a lot to me. You mean a lot to me." "Do I really mean that much to you?" "Girl, you know it's true!"then I sure as hell don't want to know about it!
January 09, 2003
January 08, 2003
January 07, 2003
[O]ver 4,000 Palestinian prisoners are presently incarcerated in concentration camps and being interrogated under torture. There is even a project underway to cremate not only the rotting corpses but also those still in a coma, or unconscious due to their treatment, so as to completely eliminate all evidence of torture.That's the lowlight, but there's plenty more where that came from.
January 06, 2003
January 6, 1993Thank you, this has been a special presentation of The Greatest Quote Ever Regarding the Loss of One's Extremities Through Frostbite by Somebody Who Was Portrayed in the Movie Dramatizing His Ordeal by TV's Douglas "Doogie" Howser.
Jim and Jennifer Stolpa were stranded by a blizzard on a desolate Nevada road with their five-month-old son, Clayton. Jennifer huddled in a tiny cliffside cave with Clayton while Jim trudged 48 miles through hip-deep snow to find help. Jennifer, who, like Jim, lost all her toes to frostbite as a result of the ordeal, says, “I can’t wear heels, I can’t wear sandals. I have to wear tennis shoes all the time. It kind of sucks.” Says Jim, “We really miss our toes.”
- Have you spent the last month trapped under a vending machine that toppled over during your failed attempt to save fifty cents by stealing a can of Diet RC Cola? Well, here's your chance to catch up on the movie everybody else has already seen with Molly Winter's Condensed Two Towers — it's heelarious!
- Sure, Mike Whybark's trying to distract us all by posting his interview with David Sander, the creator of Man Conquers Space, the fascinating documentary of the history of space travel that never was, but what all the little Whybarkians wanna know is: how did his first day of work at (cue theme music) DANGER ISLAND go?
- In answer to the numerous questions or comments: Yes, this will indedd be the 14th Annual Big Apple Blogger Bash (Admittedly, though, attendance for the first 12 was rather sparse.)
- I probably would have laughed just because it uses the work "wanker" and that's a funny word, Matt Olson's long-needed online style guide "How to Write Like a Wanker" would be worth reading even if it didn't.
- Boy, last week Barbie seemed all psyched that Robbie gave her a New Year's kiss, but she's forgotten all about him since then, spending her time shopping and planning Madison's surprise party. Frankly, she seems pretty fickle.
Right now there's a whole bunch of very good offensive players from the 70's, guys who seemed like HoFers at various points in their careers: besides Murray, Carter and Rice we have Andre Dawson, Steve Garvey, Dale Murphy, Keith Hernandez, and Dave Parker. And I haven't even mentioned Ryne Sandberg, Lee Smith and Jack Morris...basically, depending on where you draw the line, you could make a case for either one or 15 players being HoFers.
January 02, 2003
January 01, 2003
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