The Illuminated Donkey

So...very...tired.

For Sunday Night HBO Watchers Only: Am I the only one who thinks that Johnny "Sack" Sacromoni is obviously the great-great-grandson of Al Swearengen, and that when their shows go off the air HBO should team the two of them up in a time-traveling sneerfest romp called "Why Am I Always Surrounded By Goddamned Idiots?"

Application Interruptus: Sentences Which Instantly Halted the Otherwise Promising Job Search Result:

• "Applicant must be fluent in English, French, and at least one Asian language."
• "Must be willing to relocate to Colorado."
• "A minimum of eight years experience in the pharmaceutical industry is required."

After a too-long wait, Radio Weisblogg is back on the air.

In other news, it is very nice out now.

God Damn Job by The Replacements

I need a God damn job
I need a God damn job
I really need a God damn job
I need a God damn job

God dammit
God dammit
God damn, I need a God damn job

I need a God damn girl
I need a God damn girl
I really need a God damn girl
I need a God damn girl

God dammit
God dammit

God damn, I need a God damn job
Right now right now

An honest job, if I can find one

Oh, But First, Via P-Frank: Pick up the nearest book. Open it to page 23. Find the fifth sentence. Post the text of the sentence in your journal along with these instructions.

"They both called it a trial separation, because they were too hurt to face the truth."

From the Judy Rogers (Natalie Wood in Rebel Without a Cause) chapter of David Thomson's Suspects.

A Whole Bunch of Stuff Written Very Quickly With Maybe Some Dots in Front.

• The place is Jersey City. The time is the drizzly, awkward middle of April. Ripped from today's headlines, or at least its weather report, comes Tris McCall's Scumbaguette cycle of scenes, capturing the majesty that is here.
• Thanks to `Bark for passing along this helpful guide to the numerous exciting bowling variants in the glorious US of A. How sad I am to live in such a homogenized bowling region, unlike the cornucopia of bowling goodness that is Maryland.
• Huge congratulations to official Friend of the Donk, Rutgers basketball fan, and fellow temporary Seattlite and cross-country impulsive Gabriel A. Vecchi on his being named one of the recipients of the Presidential Early Career Awards for Scientists and Engineers. This is a fairly big deal, and is just one of the many ways in he is leading a more impressive life than me.
• Attending a baby shower anytime soon? How about going off-register and making a statement with some Mr. Happy Crack baby clothes, which will shortly be added to the already-bursting Gifts & Apparel section of the MHC site.
• As for me...more of the same, I guess. I need to lose weight and find a job and consolidate these clustereffed IRA and 401(K) accounts. So I guess I'll go do that now.

And then I was gonna write something today, but I'm pretty tired, plus I just had to walk home in the cold rain, so I'd rather just eat this astronaut ice cream and then lie down and maybe watch TV. Sorry.

A Common Theme. So over the past three days I have played video bowling, both on a standup arcade game and on a cellphone, bowled in the alley across from Yankee Stadium, and made my duckpin bowling debut in College Park, Maryland. I did a heck of a lot of other stuff, too, but I figured I should at least tell you the highlights.

Not that I'm above them or anything, but I simply have no interest in any of the reality shows, dating shows, or that entire genre. They just ain't my cup of tea. Still, there is one show possibly in the works that would have The Donk eyeballs glued to the set from the theme music to the closing credits. Submitted for your approval...Average Jane!

I suppose I could be overlooking something or just uninformed, but I'm reasonably sure that the final few months of 2004 will forever be remembered as the first time a world superpower has ever issued currency featuring a dairy product.

And Finally, We Have Arrived. The Yankees playing the Devil Rays halfway around the world at five in the freaking morning with ad-patches covering the pinstripes: NOT OPENING DAY. A Sunday night game, even taking into account that it's Pedro on the mound in Camden Yards: NOT OPENING DAY.

My requirements for an Opening Day game are apparently quite stringent, since I demand that the game be played both during the day and in the North American continent. And for those reasons I declare that the baseball season begins right this very minute, in Toronto of all places, with Cy Young Award winner Roy Halladay pitching to Tiger CF Alex Sanchez.

I will spare the general public the sorry details of my two, count `em, two fantasy teams, except to pass along the telling detail that my NL team has already been dubbed the Eliminated Donkeys. However, I will not spare said GP my always-never-even-close preseason predictions, which will not even be in haiku form, shamefully enough. [Note: the below might differ from predictions I have made elsewhere; as always, all predictions are considered valid until proven otherwise.]

American League East

1. New York Yankees: Why try to deny it?
2. Boston Red Sox: My Wild Card pick, though I don't they're as sure a bet as most are saying (I see Mueller, Millar, and Ortiz falling off their 2003 seasons, plus Nomar and Pedro will miss a bunch of games); I just can't see the Mariners or A's beating them out]
3. Baltimore Orioles: Much improved, plus they're the only team I actually put money on: $10 at 35-1 to win the pennant; yes, I know, no chance, but at the time I thought they'd get Vladimir.
4. Toronto Blue Jays: Iffy rotation, iffy lineup, unhappy Delgado.
5. Tampa Bay Devil Rays: Better, but still bad.

American League Central: I refuse to write comments on this lousy division.

1. Kansas City Royals
2. Minnesota Twins
3. Chicago White Sox
4. Cleveland Indians
5. Detroit Tigers

American League West

1. Anaheim Angels: If Erstad and Glaus can put up even halfway decent numbers, this team is going to win the division by at least five games.
2. Seattle Mariners: Supposedly Freddy Garcia looks great, but my team still needs one big bat. And if that bat has to be Griffey, I'd rather lose.
3. Oakland A's: Presented without comment, the A's lineup: Kotsay, Ellis, Chavez, Dye, Durazo, Hatteberg, Kielty, Miller, and Crosby.
4. Texas Rangers: Sorry, Fat Guy.

National League East

1. Philadelphia Phillies: I'd like to see them lose, if only to watch Bowa's head explode, but the next two teams lost way too much in the Winter.
2. Atlanta Braves: It had to happen sometime.
3. Florida Marlins: New slogan for baseball in Florida: Absolutely Huge for One Week Every Five Or So Years!
4. Montreal/San Juan Expos: Good seats still available!
5. New York Mets: Their promising young players are neither promising nor young: discuss.

National League Central

1. Chicago Cubs: Even with Prior hurt, this is the best team in the league.
2. St. Louis Cardinals: My Wild Card pick, for absolutely no good reason that I can remember.
3. Houston Astros: Pettitte's never been a great ERA guy, now pitching in huge hitter's park.
4. Tied for last: Cincinnati Reds, Milwaukee Brewers, Pittsburgh Pirates: Ranking these three teams would be like ranking my root canals.

National League West

1. Los Angeles Dodgers: Just a hunch in this mediocre division, and frankly, not a smart one.
2. Arizona Diamondbacks: Hard to go against Randy Johnson and Richie Sexson, but I don't see the back end of the rotation panning out at all.
3. San Diego Padres: Trendy pick, but I'm waiting until 2005.
4. San Francisco Giants: Their #1 starter and closer are both hurting right now, and there's been a little distraction surrounding the left fielder.
5. Colorado Rockies: Charles Johnson, Jeromy Burnitz, Vinny Castilla, Royce Clayton, Larry Walker...turn up the Limp Bizkit! It's like the late 90's all over again!

And for the World Series, carrying on my long-held belief that you should pick the Yankees until you have a very, very good reason not to, I'm predicting the Yankees over the Chicago Cubs. Play Ball!

Selected Notes from My Lengthy Break, Number Five of Five: A helpful note for those in the greater New York metropolitan area who are entertaining out-of-town guests: never underestimate the apparently enormous appeal of rice pudding served in a space-age setting. That being said, you should not try to compound the excitement by having said rice pudding dessert follow dinner at a peanut-butter-and-jelly-specific restaurant, unless said out-of-town guest is under the age of nine.

Selected Notes from My Lengthy Break, Number Four of Five: You know, up until about six weeks ago I was under the impression that I had lots and lots of experience and was qualified to do all sorts of things! I seem to have been mistaken.

Selected Notes from My Lengthy Break, Number Three of Five: Dave Copeland, a longtime Donk favorite, has already given up on both Bush and Kerry, and has thus decided to choose his candidate using the only logical method: by selling his vote to the highest bidder.

Bidding currently stands at $13, though it should be noted that one estimate had Bush spending about $3.70 per vote back in 2000, so Copeland will be selling at a premium, even when you take into account that the auction also includes state, local, and ballot initiative votes. And I would be remiss if I did not point out that Dave has a 98% positive feedback rating! So bid with confidence!

Selected Notes from My Lengthy Break, Number Two of Five: Speaking of Mustang Harry's, I would like to offer a small word of advice to one of the waitresses there: when asked by customers when they might expect to receive their order of wings, the correct answer is "Oh, I'm sorry. I must have missed that." The correct answer is not "You didn't order any wings." Should you choose this latter course, do not compound your error by making a show of checking your order pad in an attempt to somehow prove that we didn't order wings, since we specifically remember ordering the wings and were not particularly annoyed at the error until we were basically called liars. That is all.

Selected Notes from My Lengthy Break, Number One of Five: Rutgers is a fine university and I have never regretted going there, but when the later stages of the college football and basketball seasons roll around I often wish that my alma mater was a perennial Final Four and BCS contender that made even non-almuni want to wear the colors. Sure, I know that sports are probably irrelevant, if not actually detrimental, to the overall value of a university, but dammit, I wanna know how Paul Katcher felt last year when his Syracuse team won a surprising NCAA title.

And that's why last week at Madison Square Garden was so darn exciting for those who wear the scarlet (or, to be more accurate, for those who dug the scarlet out of the back of the closet), as Rutgers made it all the way to the finals of the National Invitation Tournament. Now, those who don't follow the college game might not be familiar with the N.I.T., and for those people perhaps the simplest description of it would be that it's the tournament for teams who were not good enough to be one of the 65 teams invited to the real tournament (hence the Michigan fans' chanting of "We're #66!"as they exited the Garden Thursday night).

But the obviously second-tier nature of the event didn't seem to matter, as the midtown bars and streets were a sea of scarlet, especially on Tuesday night when our opponent was Iowa State (there were considerably more Michigan fans in attendance for the championship game, not to mention one certain Michigan alumnus who was not in attendance but couldn't helping gloating via cellular message). I attended the game with fellow alumni and Friends of the Donk Keith and Gabe, and we enjoyed pre- and post-game beers, non-stop screaming of fight songs and chants, and two excellent, exciting games. The Scarlet Knights played their hearts out, and while they disappointed at the end, as Rutgers will inevitably do, within a half-hour of the loss I was already back in Mustang Harry's and on my second beer, which is exactly where I would have been had Rutgers managed to win the game. So thank you, Rutgers Men's Basketball Team, for giving this alumnus even a small taste of victory, not to mention the rare opportunity to scream like an idiot in public, which is one of my few joys in life.