January 28, 2004

This Week's Political Note: Vote Early, Vote Often, Vote for Vermin Supreme! During my regular perusal of Ryan Lizza's excellent Campaign Journal Blog on The New Republic Online, I immediately noticed the headline "Howard Dean is face to face with Vermin..." and quickly clicked to check the story out. What I saw:
REVOLUTION POSTPONED: Howard Dean is face to face with Vermin. [...] Dean is scrounging for some last minute independent votes on a talk radio show, but Vermin, a presidential candidate wearing a rubber boot on his head and an enormous goat belt buckle--"a goat cod piece with chaps I would call it," he says--is waiting for him. The two candidates have a short exchange. "I asked him if he supported mandatory tooth-brushing and he claimed never to have heard of the issue, if you can believe that," says Vermin.
led me to believe that it could only be one person: perennial Mayoral/Emperorial/Presidential candidate Vermin Supreme.

A quick search helped me discover this recent profile of Mr. Supreme which confirmed my hope that he was still stalking the campaign trail, with a boot on his head and brandishing a megaphone with "THIS MACHINE ANNOYS FASCISTS" printed on it, and throwing a monkey wrench into even the slickest political machines. Vermin is a man who is willing to do anything to get his message across, and if he doesn't happen to have a message at any particular time, he's not above biting his opponent.

You see, Vermin Supreme and I have a bit of a history. Way way way back in the dark days of the early 1990's, Vermin Supreme was briefly running for the office of Mayor of New Brunswick. Now, it turns out that there was no Mayoral race in New Brunswick that particular year, but he was hoping to start gathering votes well in advance so he'd have plenty by the time November 1994 rolled around. Keith and I, who were writing a weekly section for the Rutgers Review at the time, admired that kind of forward thinking and immediately arranged plans to interview him.

Now, unfortunately, we never got the opportunity to meet Vermin. The time for the interview came and went, and he simply never showed up in our offices. We assumed that he was off on official campaign business, but it turns out that the Student Center security simply refused to either let him upstairs or call us. By the time it was all cleared up he had left town and we never got to meet him, not that it stopped us from writing the article as if we had.

In any event, since I completely dropped the ball regarding yesterday's primary, annoying the man who designed that fancy Donk-Cision 2004 logo up there, I figured I'd dig out that old issue and reprint some of Vermin Supreme's most trenchant political positions.
Vermin Supreme Promises:
  • To do something about the weather. "Too damn hot" in the summer, "Too damn cold" in the winter. Possibilities under study include a) a weather dome over the entire city for climate control; b) physical relocation of the entire city to a more hospitable climate; or c) simply throwing out anybody who complains.
  • To pave over everything that hasn't been paved over yet.
  • To make the homeless disappear. Poof! As if by magic, presto chango. Out of sight, out of mind. Where did they go? Oh, well, you don't really want to know now, do you? Didn't think so.
  • To achieve nuclear capability for little towns, taking no more gruff from neighboring municipalities over contaminating "their" groundwater and other such "sour grapes."
  • To tax the bejeezus out of everything.
  • To make crime against the law! Combat illiterates! Fight the unemployed! And stop pregnant teenagers! These statistics can easily be lowered by manipulating the figures on which they're based.
  • To appoint lots of committees to look into all sorts of things.
  • And, of course, no comment on disarmament through deployment.

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