December 06, 2003
"This fortuitous finding gives our generation a clearer picture of what life was like back in April of 2003," says local professor.
JERSEY CITY, NJ -- December 6, 2003 -- The discovery of a believed-to-be-lost heavy winter coat in the deepest corner of a hallway closet has both answered and raised questions about everyday life in Late Winter 2002/2003, according to anthropologists and social scientists. The contents of the coat, which had lain undisturbed for approximately eight months, are currently in the process of being catalogued and analyzed, but early reports already have the scientific community buzzing.
"Our first realization was that this was an immensely wealthy people," says Horst Eisenhardt, Director of Local Anthropological Studies at Pulaski Skyway State College. "We instantly discovered over 50 cents in small change in the left pocket, assorted pennies and nickels in the right, and even a folded dollar bill in the breast pocket. Imagine a people of such wealth and riches that they simply couldn't keep track of it all, or miss any of it when it was lost." (At the present time, the City Council is still considering whether to display these funds in the Jersey City Museum or use them to help pay for snow removal.)
But for all their prosperity, it seems that the citizens of that era still suffered in numerous ways. "Preliminary findings do seem to confirm early theories that the people of Late Winter 2002/2003 were in no way healthy," postulated Eisenhardt. "Several loose aspirin, vitamin pills, assorted painkillers/medicines still undergoing lab testing, a plain Chapstick...there can be no doubt that Late Winter 2002/2003 man was a headachy, sniffly, chapped, mess. Frankly, we were all a little scared to even touch the coat."
While these findings seem fairly straightforward, others are far more cryptic. Why would the wearer have left a MetroCard in the coat, leaving it to expire; and if it had expired, why leave it in the coat? Did he think that stain would just get itself out? Why would the coat's wearer carry around a movie-theater receipt for approximately three months after he had seen the film? And why would he have ever seen The Truth About Charlie? While researchers hope to find out the answers to these questions, it appears likely that some answers will just have to remain lost in the murky depths of time.
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