The Illuminated Donkey

A Beginner's Guide for New Visitors to the Donk!

We know that many of you folks who have recently joined us at The Donk might be asking yourselves, and us by extension, "Hey, just what the heck was that last post all about anyway?" Well, longtime readers understand that whenever such a cryptic, vaguely poetic and metaphorical, little note appears here, it usually means that something particularly annoying or distressing has occurred in our proprietor's personal life. And while he generally makes it a point not to discuss such matters in specific detail, he is hoping that you will all feel sorry for him nonetheless.

And hey, as long as we're all here, we proudly present this handy Clip-N-Save Guide to Regular Characters Here at the Donk!

• Sidney Crackstein, aka Mr. Happy Crack: He sent me two t-shirts, so I mention him and his fine business every week or so; that offer still stands, by the way.
• Jahna D'Lish: My second wife (annulled), we've remained good friends. When things seem a bit boring over here you can usually head to her blog for a little more excitement, especially if the image "like a baby's arm holding an apple" piques your interest; otherwise you're pretty much out of luck.
• Paul Frankenstein, aka Frankie, aka P-Frank: The Watson to my Sherlock Holmes, seems like a decent enough sort, as long as he stays away from my sister (see Nancy Goldstein).
• Nancy Goldstein: My sister. Originally our regular on-site correspondent from the Winter Olympics, then our designated Vincent Gallo stalker (until those thieving Gawker bastards stole her thunder), and now the compiler of Monkeys, Donkeys, and Junkies, a regular foray into the latest news surrounding three of our favorite things. She is also an employee of the Federation of competitive Eating, putting her in direct contact with folks who have limbs larger than her.
• Anthony "Moo" Moussa of NJGuido.com: From Memorial Day through Labor Day, the symbol of all that is Jersey. Party like a rockstar.
• Mo-Skee: First came to our attention during Skee-Ball Week many moons ago, hence her snazzy nickname. A bit of a wild gal with some kind of bigshot academic job (a fairly frightening thought), we recently gave Mo-Skee her own feature, Mo-Skee's Search for Deep Throat, mostly to keep her off the streets and to focus her paranoid tendencies towards a useful goal.
• Sonya Thomas: Teeny-tiny American-eating champion. I recently saw her eat eight pounds of food in 12 minutes, and she wasn't even full. The official athlete of The Donk.
• Koen Vermandere: Our favoritest Belgian in the whole world, Koen contacted us back in October seeking our help in his quest to become King Donkey of Kuurne, a position we still don't even slightly understand, even after a half-dozen or so e-mails. Still, Koen's a lot of fun, he writes heartfelt tributes to donkeys, and there's a slight chance that at some point he'll help us get in good with some sweet Belgian dames.
• Mike Whybark: My former co-worker in Seattle, later my bizarrely obsessive stalker. Recipient of over 50 plugs. Strange blimp fascination.

We hope this brief look at our most-mentioned friends clears up any confusion you might be experiencing. And now, happy reading!