November 10, 2003
Excerpts from a series of angry letters that I did not get around to writing this weekend.
- Dear Connecticut Tourist Board: What kind of cheap shell game are you running up there in Richie Richville? You send me your weekly e-mail update saying that all of Connecticut is at peak foliage season, when you know goddamned well that that's a stinking lie, sending me and my friend Jahna D'Lish and some wild leaf chase looking for some stupid scenic highway (okay, I'll admit that I shouldn't have let her handle the navigation), only to find 20 miles of dead trees! Thanks a frigging lot...deeks!
- Dear New York City Transportation Folks: Hey, no problem, just shut down the upper level of the George Washington Bridge for no good reason on a Saturday night. And hey, while you're at it, why not shut down two of the three lanes leading to the lower level?!?! I'm sure me and the other million cars had nothing better to do at one in the goddamned morning than go on a crawl through the upper reaches of Manhattan. Why not just close both levels and sell sleeping bags you miserable cold-hearted bastards?! Screw you all...deeks!
- Dear Assface Mohegan Sun Pai Gow Dealer: Gosh, I couldn't figure out for myself that my wrongheaded decision to split two low pairs cost me a win and I had to settle for a push. I mean, sure, everybody else at the table had already let me know, and even Jahna, who had never even heard of pai gow poker until ten minutes earlier, had told me, but I guess I wasn't 100% sure until you opened your dumb mouth. Thanks a frigging lot...deek!
- Dear Mohegan Sun buffet and guy out on the parking deck who let us use his binoculars to check out the lunar eclipse: Um...you were both actually very cool. Especially you, Mohegan Sun buffet, with your quickly moving line and bottomless array of yummy freshly sliced meats, delectable side dishes, and sweet, sweet desserts. Thank you.
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