The Illuminated Donkey

Trapped. Like a rat. A cold and lonely rat.

Can I sue the NFL for wasting my whole goddamned day with crap?

I have dreamt about work for the past three nights.

I don't want to disillusion anybody, but I have to admit that, after a few months, writing retail mattress ads for a living sort of loses its thrill.

Officially joining such legendary brands as Ayds Diet Candy...

Toyota drops 'Tsunami' name for sports car model.

Toyota Canada is abandoning plans to name one of its most popular models of sports cars in this country, the "Celica Tsunami."

Exactly one year ago, on Jan. 7, 2004, Toyota announced the name of for the car, calling it "the new wave of bold style." Its press release at the time noted that "tsunami is the Japanese word for tidal wave."

Other once mighty brands that have fallen through the cracks of history include Sambo's Restaurants, Cherry Clan Candy, and Rwandan Genocide Blue Jeans.

Speaking of Topics I Don't Normally Write About Except that I've Been Reading the Post Lately: Now, This Is a Bad Review!

Witness says Robert Blake's cry for help seemed insincere.

LOS ANGELES, California (AP) -- Robert Blake's murder trial resumed Tuesday after a holiday recess with a witness testifying that the actor's cries for help for his bleeding wife seemed insincere.

Mary Beth Rennie, a hospital administrator, recounted how she and her boyfriend, a doctor, hid by a tree and did not intervene when they heard Blake yelling. Rennie said she and Dr. James Michael McCoy held back because Blake's behavior seemed "odd" and "forced."

"It didn't seem genuine or real," she said.

Rennie later testified that the dialogue was wooden, the effects amateurish, and the plot "sub-Gigliesque."

I know I usually don't write about such frivolities, but am I the only one worried that Ashlee Simpson is gonna make like Susan Alexander Kane and swallow a handful of pills? I mean, tell me if these scenes sound like they might have taken place somewhere in L.A., with her Daddy-Manager standing in the Orson Welles role.

SUSAN

You don't propose to have yourself made ridiculous? What about me? I'm the one that has to do the singing. I'm the one that gets the razzberries. (pauses) Last week, when I was shopping, one of the salesgirls did an imitation of me for another girl. She thought I didn't see her, but - Charlie, you might as well make up your mind to it. This is one thing you're not going to have your own way about. I can't sing and you know it! Why can't you just --

Kane rises and walks toward her. There is cold menace in his walk. Susan shrinks a little as he draws closer to her.

KANE

My reasons satisfy me, Susan. You seem unable to understand them. I will not tell them to you again. You will continue with your singing.

[Cut to weeks later, following some further disastrous performances, Susan has attempted to overdose on pills. Kane visits her in her room as she is recovering.]

SUSAN (in a voice that comes from far away)

I couldn't make you see how I felt, Charlie. I just couldn't - I couldn't go threw with singing again. You don't know what it means to feel - to know that people - that an audience don't want you. That if you haven't got what they want - a real voice - they just don't care about you. Even when they're polite - and they don't
laugh or get restless or - you know...they don't want you. They just...

Boy, I need to starting reading the Times at lunch instead of the Post...

Very strange...had dinner the other day with my best friend from grade school, who I haven't seen in...jeez...something like 15 or more years. It was good to see him again (it turns out he works 20 or so blocks south of me; obviously not that unusual an occurrence in Manhattan), but it turns out that one of my stronger memories I have from that period, that of me waiting semi-lost on a corner between our houses the first time we were to play together, isn't actually real. I mean, at least it's not real according to him, but he definitely seemed to remember that whole time a lot better than I did. It's a bit disturbing -- I don't really have that many memories, so I'd rather they all have actually happened.

But anyway, very cool to see the guy. He's good people, good Old Bridge people, the best in the world.

We have officially entered the long, cold slog of winter.

How's about everybody heading on over to hospital-blogging Mike Wolf's and saying hello. Call it a resolution.

Considering 2004 Billboard Music Award winners Usher (Hot 100 single of the year for "Yeah!") and Outkast (digital track of the year for "Hey Ya"), I predict 2005's most popular songs containing only the letters AEHYY.

• Yay He!
• Ye Hay!
• Ay Hey!
• A! E! H! Y! Y!

Let's all check back here in 12 months and see how I did.

I dunno, shouldn't everything be...sparklier or something?