Things that Never Taste as Good as They Sound on the Menu

• Stuffed Seafood Dishes. These always get me in a moment of indecision when I can't decide between three or four things, and then I'm like, Wow! Salmon stuffed with lobster and crabmeat! That's three awesome things! Then there's some big mess on my plate and I realize I should have just gone with the salmon or the lobrster or the crabmeat.
• Fancy Macaroni and Cheese. It's made with lobster or some five-year old Vermont cheddar and it's $18, and it's fine until I realize it's not quite as tasty as a 69-cent box of Kraft.
• Any Burger Costing More than $10. I have nothing against these in theory, but the two or three times I've gone all burger-fancy they've ended up collapsing in my hands, out of the bun and onto the plate, so I was no longer even eating a burger but an expensive, dry sloppy joe. Some things don't need to be fancy; it's like buying a $1500 sterling silver tennis ball can.
• Dessert. Specifically, dessert after a large, expensive meal. One minute I'm feeling warm and satisfied and happy, figuring what the heck, some cake sounds nice. Then one bite of triple-rich-fudge-brick-deluxe later all I want to do is vomit and pass out. Yay.